Weirdly Unpredictable

What's your option?

2012-02-10T23:07:00.002+08:00

Leave me whole or break me into pieces

Let me breathe easy

Some things just don't matter

What now when it all end up bitter?

Let me be...

Believe and have faith

2012-02-09T15:08:00.003+08:00

Life's been great.

One thing for sure, the act of praying is like charging a battery.

I feel so good and so fresh and it drives me to get my things done.

Never fail to put my heart at ease.

After all, one can only help him or herself.

So this is me, helping myself.

My believe, my faith and my efforts.

My advise to everyone,

Always help yourself as much as you can. There are alternative. You just gotta think and believe in yourself. You may amaze yourself of how strong you actually are. Mind, heart and soul. Physically, emotionally. You'll get through it.

If you can't help yourself, how do you expect people who you turn to to help you?

At the end of the day, you're doing the most work while they're just giving you the support you need.

Take action today!

Life as it is.

2012-01-04T15:00:00.003+08:00

Life as it speaks.

People are all about dress to impress.

This does not only apply to fashion.

Dressing up your character or personality

just to get people to like you or adore you.

One thing most people don't realise is that

people with intellect, can differentiate real and fake.

You can fool us but we ain't fools.

We can just be as fake as you

you won't know it coz you're just too focus on yourself.

Question here is,

Who do you want to impress?

Why?

The main thing is,

Impress yourself with your own capabilities

Challenge yourself.

All those insecurities, turn it around

Attack it in a positive attitude.

At the end of the day, you are living for yourself

Satisfaction, it's like pee-ing in your pants.

People can share your happiness but only you, will feel the warmth.

Be yourself.

If you don't fit in, stand out.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Year End

2011-12-29T22:34:00.001+08:00

I've never argued with a friend
Never, the way I argued with my boyfriend.
So where does my boyfriend stand?

Tell me why I bothered?
Tell me why do I care?

Sighs...
After all we've been through.
Are you willing to give it all up?
Give it up for something pointless?

It really saddens me. =-(

Emotions.

2011-12-25T01:02:00.002+08:00

Emotions.

Sometimes tears don't mean sadness.

It don't mean weakness.

Seldom people thought it could be

beyond what one might feel.

Not necessarily grief.

Nor is it pain.

An expression of an unexpressed emotion.

Built up anger for instance.

Or it could be an emotion within emotions.

When you feel what is real

and questioning if real is just what you feel.

When you're numb and feel nothing at all

while at the back of your mind, you feel it all.

Like a massive blown-up balloon that's gonna explode.

Emotions.

Chemicals produced from your brain

sending signals to your nerves.

Hence, that's what you feel.

When you're happy,

it is said that you have produced enough dopamine.

Emotions.

Right here, right now

conflicting hormones.

When the mind and what is felt don't sync.

Dedicated to you

2011-12-20T03:25:00.006+08:00

I'm truly happy and contented with life.

I've never been more certain

and I know I've got it all.

All that I need.

Through thick and thin,
even in hard times, we find good ones.

Devotion, an undying love
I love that about us.
We talk about everything
Never afraid to say what we feel.

Address problems, break all barriers
together, we stand strong.
Against all odds, you and I
Just us two.

Depth of my mizer

2011-12-02T23:52:00.002+08:00

Miserable at home.

I'd do anything

To fill my time

To escape.

My mind is made up.

I know what I want

Towards a better future, I'll pursue.

When home don't feel like home anymore.

The only home I could recognize is when I'm with you.

& it saddens me that I'm hating

denying all that I had.

Clearly, I'm on my own.

Only living on a free shelter

No idea why I'm taking refuge here it seems.

2011 is coming to an end.

Welcoming 2012 with eagerness

where school will start and focus will be on studies.

16 months and 2014 will be the year to enter a stable life.

That's when I'll live my life.

That's when I'll choose to move out.

I know I can survive on my own.

Watch me now coz I'm doing it.

Will you stay with me?

2011-11-30T18:02:00.002+08:00

It's coming to the 2nd week that I've not been well. It's clear to me that my mom don't give a damn. She expects me to eat what she cooked but I can't eat anything spicy anymore. I told her so many times of how sensitive my stomach is.

My youngest brother, on the other hand, is too much. I don't know what he did to my itunes that I can't sync anything to my Iphone. The basics seemed fine.

My theory:

Iphone to Itunes = normal.

Itunes to Iphone = Error ????!!!!!!

Oh and he ate my Chips Ahoy! The only thing I was depending on to survive. The only thing that I could eat which didn't hurt my stomach other than Nestum and Oatmeal drink. I made it clear to him two days ago that it's mine. Don't eat it. It was untouched yesterday. I only ate about 4 pieces. A few hours ago, half of the box were gone! It's really pointless complaining to my mom. Worse, it's pointless confronting that idiot brother of mine. He literally ignored me! And he called me crazy!

He ate my food and called me crazy?! I don't mind sharing if I don't have to depend on it. Right now, I have nothing to eat and I'm really really hungry. I'm growing weak each day. Right now, I'm holding on to my life. I'm fighting to survive. I'm stopping my system from shutting down. My body wants to shut down and at any time of the day I could go unconscious. I'm really afraid to sleep.

I'm just afraid if I go to an unconscious state, I won't be able to revive...

All the other boys are postmix lemonade

2011-11-29T22:08:00.005+08:00

Life is tough.

I learned life the hard way.

Before I met you Fadli, life lives me.

Then, you taught me how to live it.

I found myself, the hidden me.

No longer afraid to speak my mind.

Everyone has their own opinion.

Have always been a listener, observing.

You bring the best out of my everything.

Thank you love.

Almost killed

2011-11-29T19:55:00.003+08:00

Terrible and messy night.

Woken up by pain an hour after I fell asleep.

All I could do was scream and shout in pain to give a signal to my sister to call my parents for help. She didn't acknowledge it initially. Eventually she did but I was already lying on my vomit. I didn't see that coming at all. The pain was beyond excruciating. My stomach hurt like I was stabbed to death. I felt like I was going to die. Breathless and bedridden, constantly gasping for air.

Dad came to my aid and my sister helped the whole night. I was too weak to even move. They cleaned me up, turned me to supine position. Dad massaged my stomach, guiding me through to fight the pain. Made my sister hear the sound that was coming from my stomach. It was madness.

All I wanted to do was go to the toilet to wash my hair and my mouth. Dad carried me to the computer chair. Before he could push me to the toilet, not even a minute, I almost collapsed, gasping for air, groaning. As soon as my sister changed me into a dry t-shirt, my body collapsed to the floor, lifeless. With lips ajar, my gut gave a push and vomit gushed out. And there again, I was lying on a pool of vomit. It was a miracle that my mind didn't shut down while my body was gone. That's how strong I am mentally. I will never let my brain shut down.

I regained all the energy I have left, telling my brain to send signal to the rest of my body to get up. With the help of my dad as a support, I managed to reach the toilet to wash all that were dirty.

Dad made me, in Malay/Islamic term, air penawar. In english, it's something like holy water but not exactly. That put me to rest but it wasn't the end. I was still having discomfort in my stomach. Again, I forced myself to get up to clear whatever else that's traveled down to my rectum. Indigestion.

A peaceful night I had afterwards. My sister really came through in times when I needed help. I'm thankful for both my dad and sister to clean up the mess I made, sticking by my side. I don't know what could have happened to me if she wasn't home. I would have been alone in the room and experiencing worse. The last thing I want is to be admitted to the hospital in an unconscious state.

And when I woke up, I was sad and disappointed that my mom didn't show any concern. I know my sister was constantly eyeing on me before she left the room. Even when I dragged myself to shower, my mom didn't say a single thing. I was hoping she'd cook porridge because I've not been eating well for the past one week. I couldn't eat well. To no avail.

Finished up the cleaning that they started which tires me even more. All the bending and stretching. At least now my room doesn't smell of vomit anymore. Thing is, I'm already in a state that I'm not well but I always tell myself that I'm strong and I can go on. Knowing my body well, I had to eat something light at least. There's nothing for me to consume and the only thing I could find was oatmeal drink. Then I saw the expiry date of the condensed milk. Told my mom it's expired but she insist that it's not a big deal. April 2011 for goodness sake. I don't want to risk my health. I'm recovering now. From there, I'm just disappointed at my mom. She knows I have a highly sensitive stomach and yet she acted that way. Don't that just show she don't care? I know she's given up on me. I'm too much of a burden to her. She don't need to say that she care because her actions show how less she cares.

Right now, I just can't eat anything. The soup that I made, I can't even finish it. My stomach just can't take anything except hot plain water and hot tea. This just sucks. So in February, my next check-up, if my stomach condition gets worse or even my anaemia got affected, I'm not to be blamed. I'm taking care of myself, noting every expiry date and doing my best to feed myself with food that are fresh. If I gotta be warded, I'd say yes. I won't stop myself anymore because it's for my own good. If being sick at home is a burden then I might as well be taken care of by the professionals. I know the inflammation on my stomach walls has gotten worse.

My mom kept telling me that she's not bias. Well, need I say more?

Her ego for her pride is too high.

If I tell her off, she'll say I'm rude.

I don't want to go through what I had to experience last night.

NEVER EVER.

Unjust

2011-11-26T07:34:00.001+08:00

Typical parents. They always deny favouritism. Subconsciously, they are always one-sided. They are not aware of their actions towards their children.

They will always deny facts that was once said by them. For instance, my mom always say I'm such a burden, give a lot of problems. And when I was doing well, taking care of myself, with just one mistake, they had to be unreasonable. And when I used the former against them, they had nothing to say but, "whatever laaah... If anything happens to you, you're on your own".

It's rather ironic. It seems right for parents to not mind what they say or do to their child. Ruthless. Parents can hurt their child emotionally, mentally and physically. Children live in fear, pain and being inferior. That's not very progressive for his/her upbringing. Because people like me, I will remember all of the hurt.

I've hated home since young.

My parents are being unfair to me.
I mean that's my work shift. When show ends late, I will be home late. And it's not everytime. It depends on the show.

My sister's work shift is also the same. They don't make a fuss about it. It's really fcked up. I am 20 years old and they're treating me like a small child. Bitch please! Quit holding on to me!

I don't give a fck. They can't make me quit my job. I won't. Will never.

So I have to call home everytime I'm coming home late? And my sister don't have to? Eh fck! If show ends at 1030/1100/1130, don't mean we end at that time. Obviously we sign off later.

Right now I just feel unwell. I hate home. I'm not scared if my parents were to throw me out of the house. They will never. But if they do, I'll gladly leave. I know I have a place to stay. I know I can survive.

Miserably terrible

2011-11-23T21:57:00.001+08:00

If I say I lie on the toilet floor, water from the shower spraying at me, knowing that I'm unwell, will you still ignore your sick child?

I took my meds and am still in pain. I could not eat anything. I cried and moaned in pain. And when I forced myself to get up from the sofa, all you could ask was what's wrong. I was already tearing and my mom knows I was in pain the whole day. Told her about the moment I woke up this afternoon. Yet, they nagged at me to take my meds. I couldn't help but to shout at them. What? Expect me to eat my meds in front of them?

I know myself. I know my body. When I can't take the pain, I really can't. And I'm the one feeling it. I swear if I'm not broke, I'd send myself to the hospital. It's been 2 nights already.

My parents never listened to me whenever I say I need Medical attention. They always say it's nothing. Look at me now. Is this nothing?! I'm already going back and forth from hospital and they're taking it lightly?

Who cares anyway. It don't mean a thing. They only paid for my surgery and medicines. Consultation fees, it's all my own.

I feel like backspacing this junk of alphabets but what the heck. I don't need to depend on anyone.

Life is a tough game to play

2011-11-08T23:33:00.004+08:00

I've been put in a situation where I never thought I'd be, it seems.

I never thought I could cope with it but I am, rather well.

Although, it sucks sometimes, well that's life as I know it.

They say, "when life suck, suck back"

Life is a tough game to play.

We are the play-makers but sometimes we get outplayed.

Hence, we lose one life and get another to finish what we started or re-do our mistakes.

Reality check, we can't re-do our mistakes but we can prevent it from any repeats.

Today, I've been blessed. I learned that God has been protecting me from dangers of life.

But then again, I need to do my part as well. I need to protect myself too.

I'm aware that I'm vulnerable but not oblivious.

My instincts have been on my side.

I'm grateful.

Right now, I just don't know if I'm actually over the whole drama of my past.

It's numbed, yes but the residues of the pain, the urge for revenge is too strong to hold back.

Like Nina, we've been holding back for months. I've been holding back for 2 years.

And right at this moment, I could feel what my dad felt. It's not revenge.

REDEMPTION.

That's what it is.

It's my turn. I've always wanted it but part of me managed to control my anger and frustration.

Always believed that God will punish him for what he deserves.

But my dad said,

"that's end of life/afterlife. Right now, in this world, we have the right to punish him for what he did to you"

I was too weak then. I was lost. Depressed.

I was put in a situation where I learn life the hard way.

Never let things go easy.

Life is a mind game.

A tough game we have to play.

Living on iron

2011-10-31T23:00:00.003+08:00

Right now, my health is a bit screwed.

I had an appointment earlier today to see how my blood test result was.

So the verdict kinda freaked me out a little. It wasn't what I expected.

On the good side, there's an increment in my blood count but it's still very low.

My Dr was worried that if my anemia goes on like this, and if my blood count gets any lower, it will affect my future. He suggested that I be warded so that they could monitor me better. I was stupid to refuse but I can't regret my decision now. I just gotta make sure I take care of myself and have more rest. It's depressing and pressurizing to find out what could happen to me in the long run. And I'm lucky to have my blood count checked due to my stomach problems. Otherwise, I will never know I have anemia and if I keep on living the way I am, always working and not eating well, it will definitely destroy my bone marrow faster. Who knows, I can't be saved. Who knows, it's too late to be helped.

"We could inject iron into your blood but we're not keen to do that. One could die from it due to cardiac arrest."

I got stiffed upon hearing that.

All these pains, all the times that I've been ill, it's all a blessing. I gotta be stronger than this. I gotta be optimistic. I shouldn't let it get to me. I should live healthily and focus on my well-being because right now, there's someone who cares a lot for me and he's the reason why I'm holding on to life. He's the hope that keeps me going on. To know that I'm a motivation to him, I just don't want to be a disappointment.

Only god knows what's going on in my head, how worried I am of my own life, how my well-being will be in the years to come. I thought I was doing great that my stomach is recovering but I totally neglected the part of me that is anemic. It's acute now but could be severe and that's the last thing I want to happen to me. I was born fit and healthy and I will be. Just give me time to recuperate and I'll be more than alive.

A start to another phase in the cycle of life.

2011-10-12T22:26:00.000+08:00

My 20th Birthday.

I thought it was the most special day of the birthdays that I had. Fadli willingly spent on an IPhone 4 for me with a new line. I'm just grateful for the gifts that were given to me. And I'm just glad I got to spend the whole day with him. After all, time is always not on our side so it really means a lot when we actually get to spend time together. There's nothing more I could say. I had an awesome 20th Birthday even though it's nothing much.

My brother played Happy Birthday song on the guitar, requested by my dad. I was really touched. Family waited for me to come home to celebrate my 20th year of existence. It's a new flavored ice-cream cake. It's really awesome.

Lastly, the wishes on my facebook and twitter, it just bring a smile to my face. Those from close ones were really entertaining. I couldn't stop laughing. It was all great.

You're really sweet Fadli. You really are.

Thank you for giving my birthday a significant meaning.

I love you. <3

Disappointment

2011-10-11T02:46:00.001+08:00

A part of me is disappointed in you.
What happened to you? What happened to the talks that we had? I just don't get the intention of your suggestion. How could you think that way? It really saddens me. What makes you think I would agree to it after making myself clear? I already wasn't looking forward to my birthday. Right now, I don't want anything. I don't want anything for my birthday. I don't want to celebrate my birthday altogether. It has somehow became a day of sorrow for me. Insignificant.

All I ever wanted is to feel that I exist. And all I wanted for my birthday is nothing but hoping to spend time with you in the day, doing something fun and memorable.

I guess I will never achieve that. So much for being an over-achiever. :|

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Distance

2011-10-10T01:40:00.002+08:00

I miss you when you're here

I feel lost when you're gone.

Lonely nights without you near

Across the border is your home.

All I ever do is to think of you.

Well, I hope you do too.

The warmness of your presence

regardless of distance,

you already know we've won.

Remember September

2011-09-30T01:13:00.002+08:00

It's funny how we don't need to say anything

yet we understood each other's thoughts.

We get each other

leaving the people around us scratching their head.

Me in you and you in me.

25. 29.

Wire in the hay!

2011-09-27T20:41:00.003+08:00

Officially hate medicines.

Feels like my anatomy have been raped.

The effects are driving me crazy.

Haywire.

Doctor's prescription, mom's health supplement.

Gosh! Maybe I've worked too hard that my body can't take it anymore?

Mom told me not to work everyday. Told me my body is not strong enough because I have anaemia. I need to focus on my health now and make sure my blood circulation is flowing well.

Honestly, I'd rather work coz I can't stand rotting at home. I just can't stand it. I can't stand falling sick all the time. Or almost all the time. Blood test in 3 weeks. I must take my iron supplements. That means, I cannot go to work. The effects are terrible! The ultimate reason why I don't take them regularly.

Your words are as impulsive as you.

2011-09-18T23:22:00.005+08:00

What kind of person says sorry and pretend nothing happened almost immediately, ignoring the whole problem instead of facing it?

That's the kind of person you are. The kind you've always been. Coz why? You're too busy with your friends. And you don't care about the other party. I guess that's why girls left you! Yes, I just did go there. You want me to go extreme? That's how rude and insensitive I can be. Don't try me.

It's always me going to you. It's always me, initiating. It's like I'm the guy here! And you don't seem to be doing anything! Why am I always doing almost everything?! It's like I'm still stuck in the past. It's the same old shit that's happening.

I'm numbed to your sorry-s and you're numbed to my sarcasm. You just don't get it and you never learn! That's your problem!

Don't get mad at me for acting this way. Reflect what happened, how it came to this. It's you.

Red Alert!

2011-09-18T21:20:00.003+08:00

I'm cranky and pissed. I guess I've kept things to myself too much and for too long. Apart from that, I'm hungry coz I've not eaten. Mom is still angry at dad since I left home for work. She didn't cook and I have nothing to eat. I'm just sad. I don't want to neglect my health and be sick all the time. I really hate this world. It's cruel.

When I keep things to myself too much and too long, I will just snap and break down but who cares anyway right? I'm forever alone. I mean why should I bother about anything when someone just don't even seem to bother at all? It's like I'm always the one to initiate. If I don't text you, will you text me? If I don't call you, will you call me? The fact that we're supposed to meet today after work, and you asked if I wanted to join you guys or you ditched your friends for me just ruined my day. The time that I ended work was the time that ya'll reached the place. If I didn't text to ask, will you text me of your whereabouts? I doubt so. In addition to that, by the time I reach the place, it's pointless! Really. Since I was given a choice, I said no. Next time, use your fcking brain and do your calculation. All you can say was, "I see. Sorry Nat." Of course, I just had to be sarcastic about it. You should know me well by now but I guess you don't.

My rule is very simple. You want to be with your friends, go ahead. When you want to meet me, do so. But don't ditch your friends for me. I'd rather feel fcked up than to have people stereotyping me.

Sometimes I just feel like I've been taken for granted. Yes, I am very patient but don't test me. Don't mess with me because when I lose it, it's not gonna be pretty. It's hell on earth. I told you once before, I will not repeat myself.

So if you're not gonna give a damn about it, don't bother at all.

Don't say sorry if you don't mean it.

When I say or plan something, I'll make it happen.

Unless circumstances don't allow me to.

What about you? Please ponder upon it!

Loved ones came home.

2011-09-17T01:32:00.004+08:00

A mother and an elder sister to my younger brothers

An elder sister to my elder sister.

My elder sister is useless and my mom agrees.

Let's just put it this way, she's a self-centered bitch. Nuff said.

16 September has passed.

Happy 53rd Birthday Dad!

So my bro, Hakim, and I surprised our dad with the cake I bought for his Birthday. He was thrilled and grateful. So we sat at the dining area, cut the cake and had a chat. I know my mom was holding back her tears and so was I. Sad to see my nephew and newborn niece lost their grandmother when they already don't have a grandfather. Well, at least they still have grand aunts. And I can see that my mom was happy when she talked about playing with baby Hani Balqis.

I was put in a position where I was left all alone in SG with my dad once.

Here I am, being put in a position where I was left in SG with my siblings.

It's really not an easy job. It was just two days and I feel the stress, the pressure and of course exhausted. I don't know how my mom manage it. I for sure, learned to be more responsible and manage my time better to make sure everything is done. So when my parents come home, they'll be pleased which I accomplished even though I had to go to work in the evening. Right now, I just feel sick. I'm catching a cold. Bummer.

On a side note, my baby is coming back to SG later! He will reach SG approximately 11am plus plus? That's what he tweeted me. I don't think I could fetch him tomorrow coz I don't know which terminal he's gonna arrive at. He has yet to tweet me but communication is difficult because he can't get access to wifi easily. Double bummer!

I just got to meet him. 1 week of silence is like 1 month of absence. I dare say that I can't really picture him in my mind but he's always there. I don't like it when I had to resort to numbing my emotions or feelings. Knowing myself, I get over things easily (those that leave no scar). Of course, there's still a lingering feeling of missing him which I don't ignore. Again, knowing myself, once I start to ignore this pure emotions, I'm screwed.

Come back home.

Come back home to me.

It's the 17th which marks our 6th. <3

Sudden death

2011-09-15T10:59:00.002+08:00

10 am in the morning, I was woken up by my mom of an urgent matter. I'm just in great disbelief. I mean my aunt came to SG and came to my house for hari raya last saturday and she passed away this morning. IT'S JUST NOT SINKING IN!

Even though I don't really like her or talked to her at all when she came, she's still family.I'm just speechless. Such sudden death scares me. However, our fate lies in god's hands. When he says it's time to go, it's time to go. We just got to accept it and pray for their soul.

Now that I remember, she was exceptionally quiet during the open house. Usually, she'll be one of those loudmouth. And I had the urge to watch Departures yesterday. I don't know why but I really wanted to watch which I did. And it's about a cello player who became an encoffiner. It's a sad Japanese movie. Little did I know. Usually, I get dreams of relatives gonna die but I won't know who. This time, I guess that movie, that urge was a sign.

Al-Fateha. Semoga mayat Mak Ngah selamat dikebumikan.

My parents are going to Kajang later. So while they're at Malaysia, my mom gave me a duty. She don't want to disturb my elder sister. Hence, I have to be a mom to my brothers. Cook for them, wake them up for school and etc. They'll only be back tomorrow. That means, I can't sleep tonight. And since I can't go out, I told gees to come over. I don't mind if they stay over as well. At least, I have company.

One by one, death come and take away their soul.

One by one, they leave.

One by one.

Nothing at all

2011-09-14T23:17:00.002+08:00

I've made up my mind. I'm gonna commit to a full-time job for the next 6 months. I have no choice. It's for the best for the household and myself too. But I'm still keeping my part-time jobs. Yes, I have 3 part-time jobs and I'm keeping all of them since it's all based on my own timing.

Today is the third night of not having him around in SG. I don't feel weird or anything for that matter. Though, there's still a lingering feeling of missing him. I've basically shut my feelings because that's what I always do. I'm able to control every emotion of mine except anger when the boiling point has reaches it's ultimate level. Adding on to that, I've gotten used to us not meeting much since the start so it's really nothing. And yeah well, it suck that we can't contact but it doesn't bother me at all.

I'm not saying that I don't miss him. I'm just not that type who whines and basically not those typical girls who can't live on their own. I've got things to do and even if I have nothing to do, I will find things to do to keep myself company, busy and just don't think so much about it. The important thing is that he landed safe there, have loads of fun over there at Osaka and hope that he'll come back in one piece as in as a whole.

Embrace the lonely!

I really am excited for Friday coz it's gonna be my first night of work at esplanade. And I'm meeting gees tomorrow! Like finally, the 6 of us! Nadia has become part of us. Awesome! Happy happy Birthday girl!

Stray cat.

2011-09-11T22:20:00.002+08:00

It's only been a day since I met him. I invited him over yesterday for hari raya since my dad made an open house. It was really nice to have him here that I didn't want him to go but I had to let go of that feeling. And I wanted to send him off to the airport today but I couldn't due to family visiting. It's still hari raya remember? We celebrate it for 1 month. I was really sad, I am really sad. I mean my parents knew about it and I told them after my Aunt's house I would want to go to the airport but they indirectly don't allow me to. I'm glad I got to at least talk to him on the phone before he depart.

I'm used to us not meeting, not texting much or even talk on the phone much. We both are always busy with work and we have that understanding. On the other hand, we do make time for each other. But 5 days in Osaka, not being able to contact at least one day out of the 5. it just sucks. I don't mean to sound clingy but everyone will feel the same way. I felt this way when I was left alone with my dad in SG while my mom and siblings went to Langkawi together with my mom's family 2 years ago. Lonely.

I pray for him to come back home safe together with his friends. That's the only thing I hope for. And of course for him to have loads of fun. Finally a break from work and everything else. He really needs it.

I just can't help but to smile silly to myself looking at our printed photos.

Reckless serenade.

Miles away we part

2011-08-23T00:36:00.004+08:00

Where do I begin?

Searched my thoughts

but couldn't find the words to say

It saddens me to see how you are

It hurts me knowing if I haven't done enough

I could feel you in my bones

And I'd give everything to take your pain away.

My heart cries to hear that tone of voice

All I could offer were a hug

and words of wisdom by choice

All that matters is I love you

Really deeply care for you

I do.

Please take good care of yourself.

Until we meet again...

Reaching out to help those in need, my immediate family.

2011-08-16T22:32:00.003+08:00

Just before I left home for my "lecture" at esplanade, mom suddenly some sort of decided to tell me what I needed to know about the household-everything. My tongue was numbed. My lips were glued to each other. I can't think of anything else but to forget about full recovery and just dive into the full-time job line.

Dad's CPF is empty and he has to pay cash money for the house bill. It's been 3 months since he's short of cash and if he don't pay them this month, it's gonna accumulate and if this goes on, I foresee that we'll have to move out. THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I will not let it happen. Mom told me that once she start to do her daily business again, she'll start saving to help him out coz her CPF is for her children's studies and she's really hoping for my brother to get that scholarship. I strongly believe that he can get it for his good conduct and excellence in studies.

Since I'm not going back to school until my sister complete her degree program, I have to do what it takes to lessen his burden. That's a call for full time job and that's my final decision right now. If I can give him 300 per month, he only needs to worry about the electricity bill and what's not. And I'm willing to pay for my brother's tuition fees if my mom can't afford to pay for it anymore.

Sighs.. tears welled up my eyes. I love my family so much I don't want my younger brothers to feel hardship. I don't want my mom to keep living like how she has been since young, prioritizing her family and forgetting her self being. I don't like how my dad works now. I mean looking at how he works, he deserved that manager position. He was a site manager back then before he was retrenched and now he's just a supervisor engineer but working like a manager and always covering his manager's ass, going for his meetings. WTF?! I'd rather he go get a better job position with a pay that matches his workload than having people to always keep calling him even while he's driving or at home every single day and night!

The stress is on me now! And I'm supposed to learn to keep it in check but circumstances just makes me worry and think too much? Hopefully this months's pay and my baking business profits can help to settle the problems we are having. I just can't wait to start working at esplanade in September because I know it WILL help a lot. 2 more training modules to go.

So far my baking business is doing well. A lot of orders from the regulars. Funny how I have very little customers but their orders are massive! And these regular customers are those who came to my house for Hari Raya and fell in love with my cakes the first time they tasted them. So in a way, I've got to thank them for supporting my passion for baking. This hidden talent is now experimenting new flavours and giving it complimentary to everyone who places an order. You see, I don't bake for money. I do it with tender loving care, to at least let time stop just for a minute when it landed on their taste buds. Because when I taste them myself, I got blown away with the soft texture and the crazy flavours that I add to the cream. Gotta thank my mom for passing the recipe and skills to me. If it's not for the customers themselves, for suggesting me to do it and get paid for it, I wouldn't have made it this far and I'm planning to keep bringing something new that would appease them.

Rezeki Bulan Ramadhan.

I feel so blessed and I'm grateful.

What your eyes don't see, your ears don't hear.

2011-08-01T22:58:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I forced myself to stay awake

for the reason of being afraid to close my eyes to the images I see.

And it scarred me deep in my bones, this restless soul.

Hoping you'd feel me, such wishful thinking.

I only want to make you understand the whole situation

but it's difficult when everything come in fragments.

I'm really truly sorry I couldn't be that perfect someone for you.

For all I know I was once in your position, dealing with it, to make things right.

Only I was made a fool.

I guess the time has come to make a right, for better of the worse.

I was you.

I didn't see this coming.

I may portray a pessimist but am grateful.

For your presence is the light that gives me strength to carry on living.

Tell me what to do about you?

2011-07-20T23:35:00.002+08:00

What would you do if I don't talk to you?

Walk away and leave?

Don't ever come back, when you do.

You left me devastated.

What would you do if I don't talk to you?

Never look at you in the eye

while you're right there by my side?

Coz your heart's in two different places.

I don't need that space.

So here comes goodbye

Silent and wry.

All I could do is just cry and put my pride on the line.

I can't believe you walked away when I need you the most.

After all that you've said, I thought I could count on you.

I thought wrong.

When you walked away, I saw a part of history.

And I knew exactly what was happening.

So here I am, left in misery.

Natashah's Anatomy

2011-07-10T20:35:00.004+08:00

Friday

July 08/07/11

The day that I was admitted to SGH for OGD and colonoscopy.

I pen this down to serve as a reminder of what I've gone through in life.

Before the procedure, the nurse sprayed some solution/chemical into my throat and I was supposed to swallow it to the numb the area. It was freaking bitter and hot. Really hot. Thereafter, I was sedated and the effect was immediate. I didn't feel anything going into my throat but I certainly felt pain when it goes down my GI tract. That was all I could remember.

I really couldn't remember what happened. I only responded to the pain I felt especially when the tube was "rummaging" through my colon. I didn't feel anything going in but I knew I was moaning in pain and hyperventilated throughout. I think I couldn't control my breathing that I was given oxygen. I could hear them. And when it was all over, I totally passed out. Drained out. The nurse kept waking me up to make sure that I'm conscious but I was too weak to move. I was sent to the recovery ward then. My mom said the nurse told them that I slept for a very long time. Until now, I still have not fully recover from the sedation. It sure helped in my sleeping. Deep and numb. The last thing I remembered was having tears flowing out of my eyes before I passed out. I guess that was my subconscious?

Results wise, my colon was clear. Doctor found inflammation on my stomach mucosa; GASTRITIS. I was told he took biopsy of my stomach for further lab test and treatment. So one problem is solved. Not entirely because we still don't know the cause of it. Now, I'm just waiting for the results of my blood count; ANAEMIA. I read on gastritis and I found how gastritis can lead to a type of anaemia. So right now, I'll just have to wait for the verdict on the 8th of August.

So my parents were there as well as my boyfriend. The three most important people in my life right now. And I really appreciate their presence. When I woke up, the only thing on my mind was them.

I even had an astral projection in the recovery ward. o.0

So before I was discharged, I took a picture of my ID tag.

I posted it on Facebook the day after and I got instant comments from friends. I mean questions like, "Why didn't you tell me you were in hospital?" Err... I don't see a need to tell? Only those who I've been hanging out with for the past few months will know. I mean why would I wanna make a huge announcement right? I don't want attention. And my purpose of posting the picture on facebook is just for my own memory. I keep my profile private anyway. But then again, I appreciate knowing that they actually care.

Rejuvenate

2011-07-03T18:07:00.003+08:00

It's not fun living the way I am. I have been through shit and it's not nice at all. So when I see people who are making their life miserable when they have a choice, I will do my best to get them out of it before it's too late to turn back. Sometimes, people need to know that things happen for a reason. Reasons might be unknown but when you were given a choice, choose the better one.

What happened to me was uncalled for.

I lost my way then.

Thought my life was ruined and I have no future ahead of me.

So I was wrong.

And I'd right all that's wrong.

Now, I'm having complications. All of those led me to it. I cry myself to sleep most of the time. Woke up in pain almost every morning. Life suck right now but I learnt to accept it.

Weekie weak.

2011-06-19T23:39:00.002+08:00

This week have been the busiest ever.

Performed for a charity event yesterday, Presentz.

For a performance, it was great but it could have been better for a comeback.

Everybody's busy with school, work, NS so we have a hard time meeting for dance.

We were still great and awesome in spite of the mistakes.

The audiences enjoyed our performance. Claps and cheers. =D

Met his family for dinner last Thursday. They're a wonderful family. Really nice people. His mom reminds me of my own. His dad is nice too but not much rapport was built. I mostly talk to his mom, I realised. His niece is the cutest little one. So chubby! The first thing that came to mind when I saw her was Dora the Explorer! Seriously! Adorable I say. I had a great time the other night and I'm just glad and happy that everything went well.

Update about myself. For the year of 2011, I mostly spend my pay on medical fees. First diagnosis was GASTRIC. Second was STOMACH ULCER. Third was IBS. Recently was suspected blood infection which the blood test result showed that I'm ANEMIC and now I'm suspected having internal bleeding due to that. WOW! 4 diagnosis in half a year? Four different doctors and 4 different diagnosis. Tomorrow is my appointment with a Specialist at SGH to make an appointment for Endoscopy. Let's get it done and over with. I really wanna know what's wrong with me.

I just want to wake up feeling alright and not in pain or woken up by pain or even sleeping in pain. I hate the feeling of almost going breathless because when I sleep, I don't even know whether I faint to sleep or I'm merely sleeping. My parents seemed worried now coz it's been almost 4 months already. Sucks to be me huh?

Everybody's going, "You look so pale". Especially my mom. I know I look sickly pale. Even blusher doesn't help to improve my complexion. Forget colours. My RBCs are microcytic and hypochromic. My well-being is getting worse each day. I used to be so freaking fit and healthy. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! Post-depression? I don't want this life. I really don't.

I live but I'm not living.

A survivor who is not surviving.

For my loved ones, here I stand before you.

It hurts to love when he is worrying most of the time.

But I'm holding on to faith.

I gotta be brave coz I know I have a strong mind.

Knightly in the night

2011-06-08T20:38:00.003+08:00

I DON'T WANT TO BE SICK!

I'M SICK OF BEING SICK!

ALL I WANT IS FOR MY STOMACH OR WHATEVER IT IS INSIDE TO BE BACK TO NORMAL!

NORMAL I SAY!

How am I supposed to live while I'm not living?

To sleep in pain, to wake up in pain,

what is it all about?

I might as well be dead right?

Coz most of the time, I'm at the point of stabbing myself to death.

To KILL the pain.

Put myself outta misery.

War in me.

To re-lit the spark

2011-06-07T22:59:00.003+08:00

True love comes from more than just words,

more than what meets the eye,

and more than what the heart can express.

But what is love exactly?

How do you know it's exactly what it is; love?

In simple terms, define love.

I really don't like what I'm feeling right now.

I really do love him and I know why it has come to this...

New strategies to improve what is lacking.

Gotta make it work.

How long will you walk with me?

2011-06-06T00:25:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I questioned myself.

Why and how did I fall for him?

What happened to, "I don't want to go through this path again?"

Well, I guess that's just life.

You don't need reasons to fall in love, you just do.

Intuition.

I may be seen cold, child-like and not interested or merely carefree.

Fact is, I'm serious and I do care. I just don't show it because I don't know how.

I'm still in the learning process. Hence, it's gonna take me some time to get things right.

Sometimes, I need to be reminded.

Especially in times of confusion or simply assurance and reassurance.

Like framing and re-framing of the situation.

Where I am and Why am I here?

You get the drift right?

When I feel something is not right, I know something is not right.

And the simplest thing to do is to let me know before I start questioning.

Integrity.

I remember he told me something once.

And if he really mean what he said, I will need to "restructure" my expectations.

But I'll give it some time. It's too early to get too serious about things.

I'm starting to see my mom showing interest in him.

She start a conversation about him and stuff...

Are you in her good books?

All I ask for is sincerity.

Life can be as simple as a touch of care.

2011-06-02T17:25:00.002+08:00

Elias Park Primary School Super Hero Super Friends P4 Camp 2011 was AWESOME!

One reason that drives me to coach is when I see improvements in the campers' performance.

The teachers said the same thing too and I'm really proud of the kids.

Changes take time. It don't occur overnight but improvements can be seen.

I know I put in my 100% and instilled life lessons that they can apply in their daily life, relating back to their studies. They are kids, they can be very restless and impatient. I was a kid too so I understand. After reading the appreciation letters that I got from them, I was really touched. I am really proud of my effort because I know the objectives that I've set for them has been met. Simple words can mean so much.

When I saw my evaluation form, I didn't expect the teachers attached to my group to evaluate me as how they had. They really caught me by surprised and my tired face literally lit up. The power of encouraging words.

The appreciation ceremony was one that I cannot forget. When Matthew shared with the whole school about the effort all the Super Heroes (Coaches) put in, most of us were touched and tears actually welled up our eyes because we know we gave it our all to make the camp and we did.

WHOOSAY to all EPPS SHSF 2011 Super Heroes.

WHOOSAY to EPPS 2011 Super Kids.

WHOOSAY! WHOOSAY! WHOOSAY!

Broken

2011-05-20T21:11:00.002+08:00

I really hate what is happening right now.

I can forgive my grandma for what she said about me coz old citizens, the tend to be very sensitive. I just can't believe what my Aunt did to my mom this time. My grandmother is hospitalised and she have the guts to say, "Don't let Shima know".

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN?! THAT'S YOUR SISTER AND HER MOM! WHAT ABOUT HER GRANDCHILDREN?! WHAT YOU THINK WE ARE? BABIES?!

Please act your age. Where are your senses? You want me to slap your head with a baseball bat?

Look at how you treated her. Like a freaking maid! Now her cancer is back! If she dies, I'll blame you for that!

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO FAMILY?! THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH! I'M REALLY SAD AND DISAPPOINTED BUT I FEEL MOSTLY ANGRY.

And now when I recalled what my Grandma said, "She thinks I'm dead already is it?"

That's already a sign. My mom knows her mom very well. I'm not ready to lose her. I'M NOT! She's the only grandma that I love, that I believe, we all love very much.

How could she do this to us? Why such hypocrites? Same goes to my cousins too!

I'm sad to see my mom cry... She's terribly hurt. Poor mom... I just had to let my brother know. Glad to have my Aunt from Malaysia to call us, to let us know. I pity my mom. Really. She ate her dinner with tears running down her cheeks.

Now where is my grandmother?! WHERE IS SHE?!

Losing is not failure

2011-05-15T22:33:00.003+08:00

I've lost it once

I don't want to lose it again.

I will not lose it again.

The most valued possession

Can't get back what is gone

Can't turn back time to what was done

All I've left are my valuables

And I don't plan to give

I'm keeping them safe, saving it

For it will serve a meaning in the future

It will be better appreciated

if you feel me in my bones.

So stop there and let me correct it.

I keep this episode in a bottle

2011-05-14T23:41:00.003+08:00

Every action has a motive.

I'm afraid. Afraid of being used again and taken advantage of.

I really hate what I'm feeling right now but as usual, I'm just gonna bottle it up and let it take a toll on me.

What happened to poker face or strong facade?

I really want to get it out of my system but I really can't because it's such a sensitive issue.

Right now, I really feel that I'm walking down the same old path and it scares me.

Sometimes I wonder if your actions are of pure intentions or merely tests or whatever-else-it-may-be. No, I'm not being insecure. I'm just paranoid for the hard times I went through. I don't want to go through it again. Basically, my fear.

I really hate the state that I'm in coz there's so much things somehow oscillating on my mind.

Just fuck it and sleep it off. That's all I can do now before I break down.

"I'm damaged goods for all to see

Now who would ever want to be with me?"

Keeping me alive and living.

2011-05-14T21:30:00.003+08:00

I have finally received my DIPLOMA!

The future is now but I still couldn't see it.

If only I could see what's written for me.

Well, I can always change my future.

"Control circumstances, don't let it control you"

I'm really glad that he was there even though he didn't witness the ceremony and I like the way my parents and him ice-break and stuff. It's just nice to look at. I didn't realise until now that I actually left him alone with my dad for a while. GUILTY! He did great and now that the relationship is publicly known to my parents, we gotta work on the rules aye...

This emotion that I feel deep inside, I can't fathom, can't seem to comprehend.

If I were to lose him, I know I will survive but I don't think I could find a replacement because when I was having Pissed at Men's Syndrome, he turned my ship back to shore. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I haven't met him. Will I still be in that depressed state? Will I still be crying to sleep every night? Will I ever move on?

And yes, I've moved on and so I'm moving on with you, Fadli.

Simply can't take my mind off you.

Can you feel me in my bones?

Where there's you, I found home.

2011-05-08T22:56:00.002+08:00

I'm lost for words.

You left me speechless.

The look in your eyes,

to hold you tight and not let go.

I don't make empty promises

so hear the words that I don't speak.

Listen to it and you'll know it.

You don't need to be perfect.

You don't need to try.

You're human so as I.

So don't say you're sorry.

Let me let you know...

More than words to show you feel.
More than actions to show you real.

If the future is for our taking, make it happen.

As for me, I'm happy and contented to be accepted as I am.

I'm just embracing the moment with loads of appreciation.

A little too fast don't you think so?

You are a gift you are my bliss.

Taking you by the hand, don't lead me

I wanna walk with you.

Alive but mostly dead.

2011-05-05T01:45:00.003+08:00

When I think about it, reflecting on my nightmare, it tells me one thing.

I take it as a message from the almighty and his advise is for me to pray.

Like what my mom has been telling me, there's no need for therapy.

Just keep praying and be near to Allah S.W.T.

It's true that "unseen wounds" can only be cured with prayers.

With the addition of determination to make oneself better.

God is great.

It's weird that I woke up but I kept wanting to go back to sleep earlier today.

My body literally don't want me to get up.

Hence, my conclusion was as mentioned above.

It was not exactly a nightmare but I knew it was tryna tell me something about my life.

What came to mind was something or somebody wants or gonna sabotage me.

I have no idea but I'll be wary.

So my off days are spent catching up with sleep and strumming the guitar also getting ticked off by some people. Note to self: What's the point of you going online when you don't talk to people Nat?

Tu Me Manques

Welcome to my world

2011-05-01T17:33:00.004+08:00

We both have our issues and troubles

I'm putting it all behind me now

To give my all and to believe.

Prisoners of war, deep within ourselves

It'll haunt us and will not rest

Fight to win is for our taking

To succumb is a choice.

With that little thought stained at the back of your mind,

my mind keeps questioning.

Oh the irony.

I've never been this sad and disappointed but I'll get over it.

Telling myself to keep an open mind about things.

Don't aim too high for something that you can't achieve.

Appreciate and be thankful of what you have now.

The term "put others before self"

Don't read it literally.

Melancholy

2011-04-28T00:32:00.003+08:00

When I'm all alone, upon my daily reflection, I'm always at my breaking point.

Most of the time I can hold it back. Apparently, I'm at my weakest right now.

It's just so hard for me. Life's too hard.

I'm devastated. Sometimes, I just feel that I'm not good enough.

Words are at the tip of my tongue.

I just haven't found the courage to tell them, especially my mom.

I don't want to cry in front of her again coz I know I will.

She's been encouraging me to look forward and leave the past behind while learning from it.

One will wait but will not wait forever.

So I'll keep an open mind, to give my all, let the red carpet roll.

When tears can only do so much...

Frog Prince, his hero?

2011-04-27T22:55:00.002+08:00

I suck at surprises

I suck at almost everything.

But I'm glad you enjoyed your time at USS as much as I did, with you.

It was meant to be a surprise but heck, the surprise got blurted out a week early.

I'm happy to see you happy.

So now I'm taking the leap

And I'm taking chances.

Hold on to me as I regain repose

Exposing the different colours of my clothes.

HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY FADLI!

You're not alone...

To be alive

2011-04-20T01:30:00.004+08:00

I'm finally feeling better and I hope that this time, I'm recovering for good.

It really suck to live a life being sick or always fall sick.

How did it all began? For those who know...

Sometimes the pain that can't be seen can only be cured with one method, and one method only.

"As a woman, we must be strong and be independent."

That's my mom and I love her for being such a strong, smart and wise woman.

Someone I look up to.

I have the urge to let her know about a special someone but I'm afraid.

I don't want to hide anything from her. I want her to know, I really do.

It's at the tip of my lips but I just can't say it. Not the right time yet, I guess.

Then again, the right time will never come unless you take that step to make it the right time.

Well, I actually read my tweets all the way to the first one back in 2009.

I noticed a lot of typos. Duh! I diagnosed myself with typo-itis.

And then the embarrassing ones about him. I mean I didn't think he would read all of those. But what is there to be embarrassed about right? Those are my thoughts and feelings.

All of us are humans, we need exit points to express our emotion be it positive or negative ones.

"Let it go, let it be a learning experience and look forward

because the past don't matter anymore."

I'll always remember that Mom.
I will do my best not to forget my prayers.

When pain strikes, I'm as good as dead.

2011-04-17T21:57:00.001+08:00

I'd rather be in a coma and not feel pain if I can never feel better. I don't want to be a burden or make anyone worry.

All I want is my life back, being fcking fit and healthy, rarely fall sick. Life is just hard right now but I know I gotta put up a strong face and look fine.

I can't stand this pain on my head anymore. It's been two days after months of "peace". I feel like going to A&E once again. It seems to gonna explode any time soon.

Dad is not home when I need him the most right now. At least massage my head so that I can stop crying in pain.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

I wanna live a life from a new perspective

2011-04-08T02:37:00.004+08:00

And as I reflect on my past, all my life, what I do is to help people, putting others before myself. Yet, I had to go through shits. I had to die to be alive. It's like reincarnation.

But what is life without challenges? Because only when we are challenged, we are able to learn from our mistakes and rectify them. It saddens me that I have failed to save myself but I'm pleased that with all the hardships I was put into, I saved many, making a difference in their lives. At least, I understand where they're coming from and how hard things may affect them even though how small the matter could be. My words may be harsh sometimes but my intentions are pure. And I gotta thank god for saving me and loving me. I just need more blessings in life.

To be told that I've become a significance in their lives give me the sense of motivation to do better, to be a better person. I feel blessed to be appreciated.

To live each day with a will for a better tomorrow.

To live each day to be a better person and a better daughter.

Mom, I'll be there with you for dad.

And dad, I'll be by your side like how you had my back when I needed a hand to hold.

It's my turn now.

Content

2011-04-08T01:33:00.002+08:00

You broke the barriers I've put up with a hello.

Somehow, moving on seems fine.

To embrace every moment to feel alive yet again.

With you, everything feels right.

You could be the last person I wanna fall in love with

But who am I to determine fate?

I appreciate your presence knowing that you care.

I wanna make you feel special.

To show you what I can't express.

"Misery" on repeat.

Such a beautiful bliss.

Wounded and scarred, you mend my heart.

2011-04-03T23:58:00.003+08:00

I've never had so much difficulty parting ways.

You gave me hope to move on.

And I should be the one thanking you for saving me from this jagged hole in my heart.

You took my breath away with your touch.

I could fall asleep in your arms for the warmth of your hug.

Through your eyes and down to your heart, I'd walk the mile...

To witness sincerity.

I didn't want to risk breaking you.

I'm taking a risk for a break through.

Now that I'm falling, will you catch me?

All that I need...

Hurt

2011-03-31T09:47:00.001+08:00

I know i had a hell of a past.
And i dont freaking need to be reminded of it.
You think i want all that to happen to me?
I didnt even know what it was when it occurred.
All i know is that i fought to be freed but to no avail.
Here i am, coping and you had to make me think of it by the words you use.

Im learning to trust again but it sucks to be in my position where ppl just forgot that I have feelings and how greatly affected i am of history.
Now tell me how am I supposed to move on from the phase of moving on?

I don't want the past to affect the present. Fck it laaa! My parents already warned me that the scar will last forever. But who cares right?

When I feel that the path im taking is similar, I'll be very cautious. But who cares right?

I'm hurt but who cares right?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Nursing starts at home.

2011-03-30T22:19:00.001+08:00

Applying all the knowledge I've learnt in school to nurse my dad. I'm worried for him. Mom calls me a doctor. Glad to have a sharing session with my mom. She was a science student. So it's gonna be easy to work with her to follow up on my dad's diet. My dad is another gundu old man. Haiyaahh... quit taking honey damn it! No wonder his blood sugar level is high. I feel like I'm his parent, lecturing him on his crazy intake of sugar and caffeine. OMG! Nursing him is not gonna be easy. Mom told me her cousin lose her legs due to diabetes. GOSH! That's scary shit man! Don't want that to happen to my dad. Glaucuma, cataract, high blood sugar level and high cholestrol are enough to make my head spin.

Next week is gonna be hectic! Dad's operation and its aftermath. This is where I step in. I need to take control of the situation. Be a good sister and daughter as well. Can't let my mom do every household chores and attend to my dad right? She's only human. And as told by my dad's silat trainer, "daughters have the responsibility towards her father while the sons have the reponsibility towards his mother".

"Win. Win. Discipline." - AKLTG

I pray that the operation will be a success. I want my dad to see me on stage, holding the diploma certificate on my Graduation Ceremony.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Facing it like a man.

2011-03-27T23:35:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if things are what it's like instead of what it seems like.

And each day, I live to fight this fear.

When my instinct tells me something is not right, something IS not right.

I'm always looking for answers. Hence, you can say that I think too much.

My heart feels heavy.

My thoughts are running wild.

That's it! I need to be there on the 8th and have a one-on-one talk with the Doctor about my dad's condition. Call me the health conscious freak.

I need to plan my finance ASAP!

For once, I just wanna live in peace with nothing to worry about.

Breaking me all over again...

These flashbacks, those fcking dreams, it's freaking me out!

A good news to lighten up the stress.

2011-03-23T14:00:00.003+08:00

What am I supposed to feel?

I realise that I always have trouble moving on.

I always fail to make a breakthrough at this point.

I know what I want. I know what I need.

Gees know what my heart is saying and how my mind is complicating things.

I guess I still have that fear in me.

Reading Gees blog brought a smile to my face.

They're giving me all the support and courage that I need to move on, to take that leap.

Tears of joy!

I just checked my school e-mail.

I'm officially graduating. Alhamdulillah!

Half of the the tension, my fear and everything else has come to an end.

I can breathe now. Syukur.

Tell me...

2011-03-23T02:11:00.001+08:00

I don't fcking care! I can't sleep with this troubled mind. Uurrrgghhh!!!! I need to express myself and so I'm gonna spam my blog. The antidepressants are right in front of me and this temptation is making me go bonkers. *Knock self with hammer*

BGR, it's just a status. Aren't I right? The most important thing is how and what you feel. It's that emotion. Tell me the honest truth.

I'm not someone who gets paranoid over such petty things. I'm just not at ease for the situation that I'm not clear of. This glass is clouded by too much mist.

I believe he is sincere. Everything he said, his actions speak for his words but who am I to determine all that after all that's been said?

I seriously don't feel good at all. Is it just me or are things just !!!!!!!!

Do I really deserve someone like him? He really don't want to take back his words? Am I dreaming or is this reality? It all seemed too good to be true. A blockbuster life!

I'm losing it damn it! Someone slap me please... slap me back to my senses.

Sometimes, all a person need is reassurance.
So reassure me that you're not forcing yourself to hang around. You don't have to if you don't want to. Imma disappointment faggot. Aren't I right?

See.. it's always when I want to take that chance to move forward, it's either history bothers me or something just don't let me get to it.

On the contrary, I've been having dreams about him for like 2 weeks straight? What? Is that supposed to make me feel any better? But why do I still feel this way? To feel terribly uneasy. SOMETHING IS JUST NOT RIGHT!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Searching for an exit point.

2011-03-23T00:19:00.001+08:00

When the gees collide, it's all about the remedy of the broken hearted souls. We sang out loud and just let loose.

"Trees on the eyes"

*slap my brain hard*

I had to make a move at 9 coz I need to visit my only grandfather I grew up having. Poor Atuk... he fell last week on the way home after Friday prayers. Glad that he's aware of the situation and know how to fall. Otherwise, he could have hit his head on the ground. That would be damn fcked up. Take care Atuk. Do get well soon. I have a soft spot for my loved ones.

I guess with my newly cut fringe, I look more chinese than ever! My grandfather didn't recognise me when I went to his room. Story of my life... Relatives don't know I exist until my parents intro me to them or whenever I'm with close family members/relatives.

I don't fcking care. I'd rather grow old alone and take care of my parents. I was only fcking turning 18 when my life was ruin. And now, I'm only fcking turning 20 and I have major responsibilities. I am just beginning to cope with accepting myself. GOSH!

Results are out! I'm fcking scared to even on my laptop to check it out. Final GPA. Choking on the air I breathe, suffocating.

Current situation is a mess and I'm being paranoid. CALM YOUR TITS WOMAN! CALM YOUR TITS!

And for the whole week of work without any off days, to walk on my excruciatingly painful feets, only today I noticed blood stains on the sole of my toes. WTF?!

If I could have one wish, I'd make everyone deaf for a minute just to scream my lungs out.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

I need a doctor to bring me back to life.

2011-03-22T05:47:00.001+08:00

Halo - Beyonce

"Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

"I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

"It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin
It's the risk that I'm takin
I ain't never gonna shut you out

"Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

"You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

"I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

"Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

"I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

"Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin
The risk that I'm takin
I'm never gonna shut you out

"Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

"You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

"I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

"Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

"You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

"I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo"

It's never about words. It's not about what you say. It's what you mean. I'm sure you mean what you said. And I'm thankful. Really appreciate it.

I never put my hopes so high. Never even hoped. I'm keeping an open mind and always prepare myself for goodbye so that when that happens, it wouldn't hurt so bad...

I'm gonna be in silence for a while. I'm giving you time to absorb the situation and think about it. Do what you feel is right. Honestly, I didn't have any intention to trap you or whatsoever. It's not easy for me to live my life this way. Some things are better left unsaid but I've said it all. Coz to me, a healthy relationship starts with trust which comes from honesty.

Honest truth... Ugly truth... Put me last. Prioritise what you have to do now. Do get yourself settled on a nice place that you can call home.

You know how to reach me should you need anything. I'll always be that friend that you can turn to.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Speechless and in great disbelief.

2011-03-21T23:15:00.001+08:00

I don't mind if you don't mind...
My heart has always said yes. It's just me thinking too much about this situation right now.

I wanted to just go with the flow and forget everything but it kills me inside to hide something sooo MAJOR!

It's unfair that I was all out honest in my first relationship and when finally I'm moving on, I had to keep a secret and he had to ask if I have any.

I'm just afraid... afraid that he would judge me differently. I'm still in a state of great disbelief for the words that he uttered. Did I hear it correctly? Are those words real and not an illusion?

But after I disclosed my life to him? Really? I'm speechless! Things just seem too good to be true.

I really hate my life. I failed one of God's challenge thus, my confidence and determination depleted. BEEN HAVING A HARD TIME DEALING WITH ACCEPTANCE. I know I gotta accept myself as I am and live my life till the end of time. God is great. I thank God for all the wonderful things he's given me despite these setbacks.

I don't want to hold back my tears anymore. I don't want to cry. It's stupid and pointless.

All I want to say is that I want to move on. I want to move on with you coz you make me feel brand new, helping me to forget my sorrows. I admit I'm afraid and I feel ashamed. I'm swallowing my guts, gathering the confidence I've left to stand before you, to look at you in the eye... I'm taking a chance.

If I could let my emotion speak, I'd mail it to you instead of speaking for it.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Disbelief

2011-03-19T22:38:00.001+08:00

I'm taking a chance.
A chance to finally move on.
To put the past behind and not let it bother the present.

I gotta thank Nina and Fae for the encouragement and to have them put sense to my brain to clear the fog.

Yet, it seemed so unreal!

Well... my dad is scheduled for an eye operation on 8th April. I wanna be there for him. I will be. I pray that everything will go smooth and that he's able to see with his two eyes. Living half blind won't be easy.

I'm just worried. I worry how things will be thereafter. I know I gotta help my mom to take care of him. I wonder how he's gonna cope with life, work and drive. Even right now, he's depending on only one eye.

Be strong dad. I believe in you.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Remedy of a broken soul

2011-03-06T14:26:00.006+08:00

Le Baroque virgin.

Decided to tag along to listen to Shagies play for the first time and at the same time to give Nina some moral support facing the love of her life. Also, for myself, I just wanna indulge into music. My remedy.

Nina has always describe how great the band is and when I finally listened to them myself, it was I-can't-find-the-words-to-describe-how-awesome-they-are. They played all the best songs! Very well too! I've become a fan.

I stepped into a bar for live music and the band. I hate the crowd coz it literally freaked me out. I was approached by a guy to dance with him while I was on the dancefloor doing my thing. I have no idea how many times he asked but I declined from the start even though he was polite to start a conversation. I'm not there to dance with anyone. There's only one person I'll save the dance for.

There were a lot of drunkards and it's really a sore to the eyes watching old people grinding and stuff. We didn't dance for long. Spent most of the time at our seats and interacting with the band when they were around.

At least there was this one nice Australian dude, Bryan/Brian, who happened to walk pass when I was all alone coz Nina had to attend to our unwell friend, Nadia, for women problems. He was really friendly.

Dude: "Why so sad darling? Tomorrow's gonna come by and it's gonna be a beautiful day.."

All I can do was just smile and kept playing with the flame and the cherry stalk. How depressing!

I startled a lot especially when this particular old man with a moustache like a brush! REALLY! It was so damn thick! HAHA! Anyhoo... I'm not sure if he was drunk but he just stood by my side and gave me a sinister-pedophilic-smile? I was like moving away from my seat and I think he thought I was giving him the space to sit. WRONG MESSAGE! As soon as I realise, I moved the stool along with me, nearer to Nadia. He was touchy! I've got goosebumps! Nadia got the worse experience from him. Abang Globe, one of the band members, just looked at our direction. During their break, he asked me what that old man wanted. While I was alone, he came to me twice and I was literally shivering and I was on the verge of tears coz I was really scared. Lucky to have this Kakak who was behind that man to comfort me. The security guard were there for us too. That's a relief. Phew!

I don't know why but I kept chanting his name. =/

I've always been afraid to step into a bar or club because of all this nonsense.

I will never club! NOOO.... And I'm not sure if I'd ever go there again. But I like to listen to Shagies play. It's mind blowing! I was really really wowed by Yani when he sang "She's Gone" by Steelheart. I was literally going like OMG! POWER SIOL DEKNI TARIK! CB! Hands down man! Hands down!

What's more depressing is knowing Ari's NSmate who wanted to get to know me and even use me?! WTH?! Once again, tell your boys I'm attached to a lady, named Fadina.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?! A TOY IS IT?! FUNFAIR?!

(Breathe Nat. Breathe.)

Why are there people who look at me that way?

It saddens me and I feel so dirty. Hmmmmfffff.....

And all that was on my mind was you and only you... yes, throughout.

Listening to the songs they played made me miss you more...

And I wonder if you'll wait for me too?

You have my hello

2011-03-05T01:15:00.001+08:00

For the first time in my life, I looked back when we parted. In fact, twice. And it's since we first met.

When I looked at him in the eye, I feel him in my bones. That sorrow, emptiness. I don't know but that's what I felt. I know he's strong and I have faith that things will be alright for him. Soon...

I've never felt so strongly for someone and I've never been so sure of what this feeling is. With him, everything seems so clear.

Though I feel not worthy of anything, he showed me that there's still hope. And I really appreciate that.

Hey, I know you're gonna read this. I just want you to know that I'll be here for you. If that was tears in your eyes that I see, just let it flow.

Casper, the Knight in glittering armour.
I wanna hug you and not let go.
This is not me at all coz I miss you so.
I've never missed someone right after we parted.

When I say hello, I don't intend to say goodbye.
So don't look at me like it's for the last time.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

You found me

2011-03-03T22:44:00.008+08:00

Unsettled mind yet again.

It seems that I always come home to receive bad news. Mom just updated me about Dad's eye check-up. It's bad. He has cataract on his cornea and one of his eye nerve is damaged. I really am freaking worried right now. I know I may be thinking too much but knowing that the NERVE of his EYE, even one of it is DAMAGED, and from the way my mom described the Doctor's reaction and careful thoughts, it's really a BIG ISSUE!

HOLE IN HIS EYE?! WHAT THE HELL?!

Oh God.. Please let my dad be alright. I don't want to see him unwell and suffering... :((

And then I read his blog post again.

I'm saddened and I can't help but to cry it out.

I can feel his sincerity in my bones.

I've never come across someone like him.

I've never had someone who feel so deeply or care so much for me.

His words really strike me hard and the thoughts of losing someone like him hurts. I have no idea to why I feel as such but I think... =/

Will I ever find peace again?

Will I ever feel happy again?

Will I ever forget my sorrows and the troubles that haunt my mind?

Will I ever see that light of hope?

When he's gone?

Will I ever?

I don't want to look back and ponder over things, regretting something I could have done or say.

I know that I will regret and feel utterly miserable if I keep it this way.

I just don't know what to do.

This hurt I feel, killing me inside, the last time I felt this way was back in secondary school.

It took me 2 years to confess to a guy via e-mail that I liked him.

And I felt good about it thereafter, not expecting anything in return though.

But I've lost the courage to do that. I know he knows I'm having issues with myself for my history. I hope he knows how much he meant to me for making me feel brand new all the time. The last thing I wanna do is hurt him. I'd rather he hurt me because I'd rather feel hurt than nothing at all.

My feelings for him is growing stronger each day and I can't fight it anymore. I guess it's time to take a chance and move along with it.

Yes Ahfad.. I really like you a lot.

I'm falling for you.

I really appreciate your honesty. I'm not freaked out by it.

I'm really glad you are the way you are.

It's the reassurance from you that kept the fire of hope lighted up.

I find your thinking-out-loud is kinda cute and acknowledge an awareness from my point of view.

Even if we end up being friends, we are already friends and I know I wouldn't wanna lose you coz you're a friend to keep.. If you ever think you have nothing, always remember that you have me.

Moonlight Sonata

2011-03-03T14:57:00.001+08:00

You're always on my mind. You ought to know that i feel the same way.

Yes, you've tried and you've succeed. Troubles and sorrow forgotten whenever I'm with you. Though, i know myself too well that it's at the back of my mind waiting to strike me hard and eventually break you.

This heart of purest intentions don't wanna hurt. I'm just being cautious.

Conflicting thoughts and emotion.

If I could, I'd risk it all to return you the favor of telling but I've lost the courage to do so.

Not only you read these words.
You listen to the silence that I speak.
You understood this agony while I'm falling for you.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

You're just too good to be true.

2011-03-02T22:40:00.003+08:00

Every life has a story to tell

Every tell has a story to life

Falling for me will only break you

coz things are too good to be true.

Hey, I'm afraid too.

The fearful thought of leading you right through my bones

Breaking you.

Everyone is messed up for the pages we wrote in history.

In our own way, judging ourselves harshly for not deserving what we truly deserve.

Every single day, I fight this feeling

to deny the fact that I'm falling for you.

These walls I built is losing its strength.

Coz nothing really matters

when I've got nothing left to give.

So I'll cage this emotion

Let it eat me up inside.

So just stand there where I can see you from where I'm hiding.

PARANOID

2011-03-02T01:33:00.001+08:00

What I hate about flu is not being able to breathe properly in my sleep. Sighss... watery eyes and stinging sensation. Think I'm gonna be down with fever any time soon. It's been a long time.

Kinda paranoid now. I googled sake which is japanese rice wine and I just can't help but to debate with myself. I'm really curious about its content. Is there alcohol in it or is there not?

"Breaking down of starch to sugar and sugar to alcohol simultaneously"

So is it alcohol or fake alcohol from the rice?

Mentally disturbed. I've never put alcohol in my mouth and never will. Tell me it's fine. Please... I need peace. I'm scared... Guilty conscious.

Oh God.. forgive me if that was alcohol I consumed even just two sips. Totally didn't cross my mind. What can one expect from rice extract? Do show me a sign that it's not what I think it is from what I read.

In a deep state of confusion right now. Hugging chipmunk to sleep hoping to make me feel better.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

I ain't a rebel.

2011-02-27T01:15:00.001+08:00

Peace is not at home. I hate it when I finally got the peace I need and she had to take it away from me. I just don't comprehend her actions. I always have the urge to run away from home. But I can't do that. It's not right.

It's not like I come home late everyday. It's not like I get to meet my friends every single day. And she had to nag about it.

You can't compare your time and my time. That was then. This is now. You cannot treat me like how you were.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE AWAY MY LIFE THEN?!

Words are not enough to express whatever that's contained in this very soul.
These tears I shed, I can't explain.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Patience is virtue.

2011-02-26T00:33:00.002+08:00

12th April. Mark that date!

Coz you know why?

THE SCRIPT IS COMING TO SG!

OMG! OMG! OMG!

They're gonna perform LIVE at Fort Canning Park!

OMG! OMG! OMG!

Tix at $98.

OMG! OMG! OMG!

I told myself this,
"If The Script is ever gonna put on a show in SG, I will definitely go!"

This is the moment I've been waiting for.

I'll work my ass off for March's pay.

Settle everything and spend the balance on the tix!!!!

GOSH! And it's only been 4 days. I've clocked 40 hours. If my calculation is correct, I can earn at least 1k per month. For a part-timer, that's a lot. But then again, it's not fully halal and I'm guilty conscious.

It's the weekend! I'm done with the cold beverage training. Next week, it's hot beverage! More coffee and tasting profile. I have low tolerance for coffee but I love the job. BARISTA!

I'm not a customer service counter neither a caller officer. Can yall be independent? Only come find me when yall need something. What do you think I am? I don't see any appreciation at all.. Work your brains! Don't depend on mine. I've got too much on my mind already. I can't do everything for you. Not anymore.

Korg susah cari aku ahh... Aku susah cari sape? Susah senang sendiri tanggung! FCK LAAAA! The world don't revolve around you and only you. GROW UP! Learn the meaning of earning.

What are words?

2011-02-24T21:04:00.007+08:00

Third day of work was HECTIC! I need a foot massage already...

Spin and Twist and deliver breakfast to HSBC building via "bus" service 11 (which were our legs). I'm just too shag and my Manager made me Vanilla Latte. It was really nice. I had to write down the taste profile of the drinks. I swear I've never had so much coffee to drink in a day!

Stomach ache = hourly toilet break.

I'm a lil sensitive to coffee especially when I was given 4 different types to drink.

WOOOOOH! It was awesome!

Sunberry Iced Tea was refreshing!

Well, inspite of the busy lunch hour, it was indeed peaceful until the moment I reached home.

Tell me, which parent is so inconsiderate to shout at their child without clarifying nicely? That's the thing about my Mom. She doesn't know how to clarify things nicely with me. I'm sick of being treated like a kid. I'm turning 20 for goodness sake! You don't need to shout over small matters and make a big fuss about it. Come on.. the outstanding school fees is only 3 freaking bucks! It's normal that they always have problem with my Giro. Eventually, everything will be settled. I know what to do lahh please. Just send them e-mail and make noise can already.

& I know my responsibilities. I'm working my ass off to manage my time doing 2 part-time jobs and 1 freelance job. I'm taking responsibility for the bloody mistake I made. And I have already set a date to settle everything by end of March. After that, everything's gonna be fine. I've got enough stress to cope with. Just let me do what I do best.

After all, "to fail to plan is to plan to fail". My plans are already working. I just want her to open her eyes to realise the amount of effort I'm putting to put everything to an end. I'm no longer naive. And what's wrong to listen to the "promoters" talking about investment and medishield and stuff like that? You already know about it but you're not educating me about it in detail. At least when I sit down and listen, I know what's happening and I'm clear of what they offer so in the near future, I can just say yes to them. This is called preparation for adulthood. And then you go "Kasi skolah pandai-pandai tetap bodoh". There's too many things I don't know and I don't want to be naive and fall for con men anymore. Can't you see I'm exposing myself to all these stuff? It's not that I don't inquire. In fact, I asked a lot of questions and make them repeat just to clarify things over and over again to make sure I understood every single thing that was conveyed to me. Why I'm naive is because you kept me naive thus shit happens. It's important that I learn now and not be kept naive further Mother. Otherwise, I'll be more stupid right?! PFFFTTTTT!

Now tell me, is it wrong that I asked my friend if she happens to have the money she owe me? I didn't demand for it. I apologised before I inquired. Well, the blame is still pushed to me. I mean it's okay if she don't have it now. I'll find ways to get the amount for whatever I need to pay for. I won't go borrowing money from people. I won't go so low.

Yes, we similarly have our own problems to settle. The difference between you and I, at least I'm putting in effort. I don't see you making your words into action. Still the same old story.

Push the blame to me okay...

A sponge can only absorb so much.

Just wait till the day I snap.

Bonkers!

2011-02-20T20:29:00.002+08:00

I SWEAR ALL I WANNA DO RIGHT NOW IS SCREAM!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

I'M LOSING MY FOCUS .

I'M LOSING MY MIND.

My right eye is in pain.

My head is in throbbing pain.

I know I gotta pull myself together and channel this negative emotion away to I-DON'T-KNOW-WHERE! I gotta be stronger than this! I really need the Hitler in me that I've lost. Where are you alter ego?! APPEAR NOW! I need you right now... Badly...

I want to explore an unknown place and get lost there where nobody can find me.

Utterly miserable...

Weeping silence

2011-02-20T16:13:00.003+08:00

Coffee + Hashbrown for breakfast.

Redbull + Fillet O Fish for lunch.

Inhale the surrounding smoke.

SHAG AND FREAKING HIGH!

My tummy hurts...

Can I make myself more high?

Can't wait for tomorrow to end...

INSANITY!

I want to drift away with the wave of the sea
I want to fly up high in the night sky...

Can I not study?

I can't study.

Somebody punch me!

I NEED MOTIVATION!

Imma miserable fcked up crazy-head.

*STONE*

Anti-depressants? Again? Hmmm....

Knock! Knock! Who's there?

2011-02-20T01:13:00.006+08:00

Ballerina who loves B-boy was AWESOME!

Love the crowd. Love the crew. Love the view. Love the Theater.

I MISS BREAKING!

Gotta wake up super early later coz gotta be at Ang Mo Kio by 9am.

My body's aching, my right eye is in pain, and my head is woozy.

Mom tied black thread on my left hand's middle finger coz I'm paranoid about my eye! BUDAK PENYAKIT!

I have to chiong study for Hematology but I'm just damn beat right now.

SHAAAAAAAGGGGGGG!

Had a talk with Hudha just now. Damn it! I really don't know who my true friends are. I mean, they don't seem to respect my privacy? Speculating my personal matter without consulting me. I'm deeply disappointed. There's a reason why I keep things to myself and only resort to those I can trust when I can no longer bottle up this pain.

What do you think I am?! Can yall put yourselves in my shoes?! What if that were all of you?! You won't like to be the topic of a conversation right?! Especially when it involves personal and sensitive issues! WHHHYYYYYY????!!!!!

All I need is moral support and this is what I get?!

I think I've had enough pain. I'm shutting myself from everyone.
I really gotta thank Hudha for keeping her mouth shut and clarify things with me.

It's not easy to be in my position where I'm afraid most of the time.

I can't live like this and I think I'm better off dead.

Scully doesn't know...

2011-02-19T00:13:00.004+08:00

"Gi tempat tkde org pakai baju"

Translation, "Go to a place people don't wear clothes"

I meant to go to a shop to buy clothes that's not commonly wore by many. xP

See how wrongly my mind and tongue communicate?

Had an awesome time with Wani today!

I'm glad to have made her smile and laugh to my nonsense. Hehehe

Reminisce the good old secondary school moments and just catch up.

Funny how we only catch up a lot just now while being in the same class for Hematology. Too stressed up in class I guess?

Did a lot of tutoring to King while Wani benefited from my notes. I'm brain dead!

Took me 15 minutes to decipher what I wrote on my notes.

The word was MESH which I wrote in "doctor's" handwriting.

What came to mind was Meju, Megn, Mesin, Mesi and etc.

I actually googled them. That is what I call STRESS.

Excited for Ballerina who loves B-boys at Esplanade Theater tomorrow! *Go crazy!* I'm really really glad there are people who actually into my cup of tea. All my life, I've always been to shows alone and stuff. REALLY! I hate waiting for people's responses when it took them so long to reply. TSK! Interested or not interested. Yes or No. Why make your choice complicated?

Wani Wani Wani... If your boyfriend is going to be insecure and not treat you right, I'll be your boyfriend kay? Prangai Mat Rep ahhh Hady!

Say what you mean

Mean what you say.

Tu Me Manques

You got me butterflies in my stomach. . .

FOCUS!

2011-02-17T05:04:00.005+08:00

Finally! Done with revision.

All it takes was carrot juice, buttercrunch cookies and V-day cookie!

The V-day cookie is sooo nice and sooo big I couldn't finish it.

Shall savor its sweetness. =P

Sugaaarrrr Ruuussshhhhh!

This is how messy I can get.

I can be more messy than this.

STRESS?

Have a break, have a Kit Kat!

Look at the pimples on my face!

Pop Pop Pop!

Bloody tissues & Bladder full of urea.

When I felt like giving up, all I did was to remind myself how badly I want to excel and not to just pass it. With focus, I completed my revision and I don't know how many times I washed my face to keep myself going! And I'm hungry! I've not been eating for the past two days. Revision do suppress hunger...

All the best to all taking Structural Biology paper lataaaaaa~

Chiong ahhhhhh!

If I were to be diabetic, would you be my insulin?

2011-02-15T02:46:00.010+08:00

Tell your boys I'm gay

and that I'm attached to a lady.

Her name's Antebellum.

Everybody's telling me to give a guy a chance to get to know me.

Why won't you tell me to give MYSELF another chance?

All I need is moral support.

14th February 2011, I had my first Valentine!

There's no need for fancy.

The thought and sincerity, these simplicity is greatly appreciated.

I don't seek for perfection or anything proper.

"It's not what you do, it's the littlest things we do together."

It's not what you present me with, it's the time that you're willing to spend with me.

My tongue is tied.

I had an awesome day with an awesome friend, my valentine.

Even though things didn't go as planned, everything seem planned out.

It was fun, enjoyable and peaceful.

Thank you soooo much for EVERYTHING!

It's always something new I get to do being around you.

If I did disappoint you in any way, I apologise... =X

Can I not eat that cookie? It's too beautiful and thoughtful.

I can't help but to keep reading the card over and over again.

The drawings are just so cute!

The chipmunk too!

I've never felt like this for the longest time.

I guess it's becoming more apparent to me now.

And that is my fear.

*Hamana Hamana Hamana*

Why Valentine ...

2011-02-13T15:19:00.007+08:00

So in the stone age,

men drag women around by the hair to show their affection?

BRUTALITY!

Valentine's Day had never cross my mind.

I've always never looked forward to this day.

Maybe that's the reason why I forgot someone asked me out on the 14th of Feb.

I didn't forget actually. More to I didn't keep track of the date.

Only to realise it's tomorrow, yesterday night.

Thanks for the reminder man. Really!

When dance took control over my body.

When my focus is everywhere.

When stress is hitting on me, HARD.

I feel so bad and damn right guilty.

I can always go on another Monday for the interview but he don't mind waiting.

I'M SUCH A SPOILER!

Sorry isn't gonna change anything but I'm really really sorry.

They're not disbanded! They've become 2-man-band.

I love their music and metaphorical lyrics.

I'm addicted to their new single, Ballad of Mona Lisa.

I have the urge to do a choreography to a rock song.

Brendon Urie.

Good looks and talented.

Vocalist, guitarist, bassist, pianist, keyboardist.

I'm attracted to men who plays the piano.

"And I would wait and watch the hours fall in a hundred separate lines

but I regain repose and wonder how I ended up inside"

- New Perspective -

My Lovely lady Lump

2011-02-12T01:15:00.003+08:00

She's a little drunk

A little tipsy

A little high

She's lost her mind

Clouded by misty grey smoke

puffing her miseries goodbye

to unsee what's plotted on her mind

She's halfway gone...

Well, it's D.I.F! Couldn't go to work coz I wasn't feeling too good. Received a call from recruitexpress in the morning to come for interview. Thereafter, met them Gees to hang. They sang, I stoned, they rehearsed, I stoned.

Jason bumped into us. He brought me GREAT NEWS! He's that douche's skate-friend. Jason told me he asked him about someone burning his gifts. Jason already knew about it but he didn't say anything. That douche was sad. AWWWHHHH... saddest day of your life huh? TOO BAD! Sorry isn't gonna change anything.

You bust me upside down and inside out.
I ripped your hopes.

Conclusion:

HE KNOWS ABOUT THE BURNING CEREMONY!

Bottom line is, I'm thrilled coz it shows that my message has been made clear.

Famous question:

"Why you burn the shoe?" - friends

"Burn the stuff for wad? They didn't do anything wrong." - Mom

It's from him. What was I supposed to do with it? I don't want it around me. Do the math.

I'm not a person who'd do this kind of things but the main reason is to just get rid of it and show him that, "Hey, don't be stupid. We can never be together after what you've put me through. Just stop bothering me."

That's the only way because I'm abiding to rules imposed. No contact, no nothing. I had my final say and I did it indirectly. I'm much happier now.

"I saw your transformation on FB. At least you're now a girl."

What am I all this while huh? Am I not a girl?

A grenade to swallow.

2011-02-10T23:04:00.005+08:00

I'm sick of being sick!

I'm sick of taking medicines.

I'm sick of everything!

Can I go into a coma already?

Imma good example of involuntary clinical trial. I'm already on stomach ulcer medication and my mom wants me to try other supplements. She told me not to be too scientific. EXCUSE ME?! I'm studying Biomedical Science and it's not good to self-medicate unless you are sure what you are diagnosed with. Mine is all suspected-this-and-that. I'd rather just stick to the supplements I'm taking now and not other new stuff.

I'm so stressed up with my mom! I know she cares a lot but stop feeding me different types of medication. NO, mother, NO! Drugs are not good for the body. It will only bring more damage to one's system. Drugs are temporary remedies. Once you are immune to the dosage, you'll need to increase it and it goes on and on and on. Eventually, one lives to depend on medication. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THAT WAY! I can argue about this with my mom forever!

I realised every time when we do finger pricking exercise in lab, at the end of the day, I will be freaking tired and dizzy. Even a few minutes after the pricking exercise, I was already feeling very woozy. We did a lot of educational tests using our own blood and my facilitator suspected me to be anemic. Really? So as I recall my secondary school activities, every time after my 2.4km run, I will go blank. Hyperventilate and just blank. It's weird coz I'm physically fit and very active. I can run and all but the after effect is just a killer. My P.E teacher suspected me to have low blood pressure. And what about my chest pains? I've been getting it since Sec 2? Are they like correlated or something? What's the conclusion? Is there something wrong with my body?

I really can't be bothered about my health anyway since my parents don't take it seriously. They always come up with reasons by looking on my daily activities.

So I'm just gonna let it pass and see how long this will go on. My stomach is going crazy on me again and maybe one day, when I feel like fainting, I should just let myself faint instead of being in control of the situation. No point talking about it or share my problems anymore. Just don't blame me when I start to keep everything to myself again.

"Why didn't you tell me your problem? I'm very open-minded. Can talk to me about anything and everything. If you don't tell me, how am I supposed to know?"

Yeah right. You never did listen to me. You hear it and you cut me every single time. I think the psychologist understands me better than you.

"What are you so depressed about?"

I'm sad that you had to ask me that when you've already knew what I'm going through. Haven't you realise how mentally disturbed I am? I just want you to understand me, for once! And quit shouting at me when I'm down... Some day, I hope you will find my blog and read my past entries and tell me that you feel my pain.

& I blamed it all on skateboarding when it wasn't at all.

When I had no one to turn to, I couldn't break my fall.

Death in my sleep.

2011-02-09T20:56:00.005+08:00

A day at the library was what I needed. No distractions. Just me, my notebooks and my laptop. Humming Urban Stereo, the songs are just AWESOME! Credits to Ahfad Friskies for introducing me the artiste. My focus was uninterrupted. Thank you Azizul for helping me with some of the problems and the drive home. I like it there at National Library at Bugis. The view was soooo nice! Yes, it was my first time there. I think I'll be going there to study for the whole of next week.

So I got 2 tickets to Chingay this Friday. I have no friend to go with since Hudha is involve in it. After all I'm working till 7 pm on Friday. Thus, I'm giving it away to Ayis since he wants to go. He asked Cik Saba to reserve tickets for him. Apparently she only received my message this morning. How unlucky. I really wanna goooo but I guess it's okaayy... There's still next year.

For a no school day, I woke up extremely early today. Around 8 plus? And had a shut eye and woke up another 15 mins and went back to sleep and woke up another few minutes or so and finally decided to just lie awake at 9 plus. It's very rare!

All thanks to that freaking nightmare! I've never been so tired from work and had the urge to actually sleep. I'm freaking pissed!

It's not even a random dream! I read my prayers every night before I sleep and I've always slept soundly. Once in a while, of course, I do have looney-weird-funny dreams. BUT NOT NIGHTMARE LIKE THIS! I could feel it in my bones. It seemed so real... It was damn right clear and I could hear our conversation. I was screaming for my life, legs running on the air. I can hardly breathe right. Even being half conscious, I remembered I was gripping my bedsheet and clenching my eyes repeating my prayers in my sleep till my body automatically relaxes. I don't recall anything thereafter. GOSH! It was effing scary!

I wanna cry, I wanna scream, I wanna punch someone!

I don't want my life to be in jeopardy. Whatever knowledge I have about that nightmare, it's affirmative! Blame it on yourself for not listening to our advices. We, friends, have no authority on you and we can only do so much. I'm just gonna speak my mind and shut you up. It's a risk I'm willing to take. I need to be brave. I don't want to walk away from this friendship. Though if I have to, I will. I'm having second thoughts for the chalet now.

Health bar update!

My stomach is still not well. I'm on famotidine, a medicine for stomach ulcer. I'm always nauseating and my chest pain is back. It's been a week now and I won't be surprised if one of these days I'll be bedridden again. But pleaaaseeee after 21st Feb okay?! Only then will I let my body shut down on me. Hhmmmffffff....

Tomorrow is the last day of school. Can't believe I'm saying this but I'm gonna miss RP so much.

"I drowned a fish! Can you believe it?! I drowned a fish!"

-Accidentally on purpose-

LOL! HOW DO YOU EVEN DROWN A FISH WOMAN?!

Bloodsucking maniacs

2011-02-06T03:50:00.004+08:00

I have issues with MEN!

Annoying bloodsucking dickheads!

Apparently some people just can't take NO for an answer.

BUGGER MUCH?!

I'm really not a direct person. And I don't handle annoying guys well. I get agitated easily. Being cold and mean in a sarcastic manner usually works wonders. Not this time it didn't. I was freaking mugging and I didn't notice any text messages or calls. And he had to bring it over to msn. Azizul.. why must you go offline so early?! Should have gone out study maann...

"Sesajee jee call"

PALA OTAK KAU LAAA!

Seriously, I don't freaking give a damn about the ditching. It's really whatever. It's not as bad as being abused by my ex. Yes, I was pissed. WAS but everything's good now. I'm cold and sarcastic towards you and haven't you notice the ignorance? Why are you even contacting me? What do you want you freaking horny bastard? Only find me when you're bored and stuff. HELLOOOO! I ain't a rebound! Like I've said before, go find other toys to play with. And people like you, deserve to get your leg hair plucked!

Why are you trying so hard? I have no interest in you damn it! You were only a friend. Bottom line is you're a jerk and I never want to go out with someone like you. Good enough I didn't hang up because I don't want to be rude. And I turned you down nicely repeatedly. You are really testing my patience.

Now how do I put an end to this? How do I go direct without any argument? We almost fought over the phone coz I was being very mean. I'm just too tired of fighting with guys over small issues. I don't want to be rude or mean but why are you so dumb?! I'm tryna be as sensitive as I can be towards people's feelings. What other alternatives do I have? hmmm....
*habbahabbahabbahabbahabbahabbahabbahabbahabbahabbahabba*

I hate guys so much I swear I wanna chop off their head and cut their penis and let Issei Sagawa devour them.

This sick stomach and the flashbacks bothering me, they're not helping at all.

It's time to be mean mean. Bitchy mean!

Intuition

2011-02-05T23:22:00.003+08:00

They say time will heal all wounds

I'm walking with my head down

Afraid to look up to what's in store

Intuition, something you don't question

Until everything else conflicts

There's no turning back

Pointless regrets

Bask in the ambiance of these emotions

Intoxicated by its beauty

Words stammering on the edge of my lips

The urge to speak my heart, ever so strong

Intuition, something you don't question

Until everything else conflicts

There's no turning back

Pointless regrets

Petrified by internal fear

Suffocating in the midst of terror

Clouded by the dark from realising heart's desire

Head's up, challenged by midnight rush hour.

They say time will heal all wounds
but this wound will never heal

Dried tears and sleepless nights.

I need the beach to breathe.

Will you go out with me if u know i like you?

2011-02-04T23:49:00.001+08:00

Reveal your identity and I'll let you know. :)

Ask me anything

A gentle reminder to Self

2011-02-03T17:12:00.005+08:00

Woke up in excruciating pain. It's just HELL!

Whenever I feel depressed or in pain, suicidal thoughts knock on my back door.

Little did I know that my presence is a significant to many.

I know all of you miss that philosophical Nat who shares her courage and wise words. I'll be back in March. Going back to SVF campsite to recharge and get connected with AKOE coaches.

As I read my coaching booklet, I thought I should share this.

"to the world you may be one person

but to one person you may be the world.

Start Making A Difference to the world one life at a time.

Be M.A.D. Stay M.A.D."

Do not underestimate the power of belief. It is the most powerful tool. Only when you conceive what you believe in, you will achieve. Put in your 100% in everything that you do and you will succeed.

Don't say try coz it will only give you the allowance towards failure.

& when you feel ever so worthless, do keep in mind of the people who may be thinking of you every minute, even if it's just one person. That's how special you are.

Happiness can't be bought but when you find it, embrace every moment.

Don't set your hopes too high as every hello ends with a goodbye.

For every life has a story to tell and every tell has a story to life.

"Life gives you blanks.

Fill them."

A screaming stomach

2011-02-02T14:54:00.005+08:00

I seriously have no idea what the freak is wrong with my stomach. It's been a month. I'm rotting in my room dealing with this sharp and burning pain in my tummy. I hate this! Polyclinic is half day today. Nearby private clinic is close. And the Doctor will say, "Why you come here? I told you how many times already...Go to Polyclinic ask for referral to hospital. Go see a specialist." Dude, if you're sick of diagnosing me, just say so! He's got a point actually. Such a caring Doctor. I know what you're thinking. I ain't a drug addict!

I'M BORED. I'M BORED. I'M BORED.

I SWEAR TO THIS EXCRUCIATING PAIN, I'M FREAKING BORED!

I feel so sick.

I read, I read, I read and I'm bored.

I can die from this boredom I tell you!

Do me a favor, punch me in the gut pleeeeeaaaassseeeee...

Take away this pain!

Can I go into a coma?! Overdose myself with whatever pills I have in hand. I can't tolerate this pain any longer...

It's a sunny day and I'm cold.

Bring me a kitty to snuggle with. :(

Mirror Mirror on the wall

2011-01-31T23:38:00.007+08:00

Walking in the rain towards nowhere was a great remedy.
Epic silly walk caught on camera,
Nonsensical moments like no other.
Good times. Good times.
The simplest things in life, most appreciated.

"WELCOME TO JAPAN!" he said.

That video... why so cute?

I'm turning more and more insane as days goes by.
If only I could diagnose what these new disorders are.

Seems that I've been blogging nonsense lately. I just can't be bothered with people's judgments. This is a place where I spew all of my thoughts and feelings. It's always been since 2005. So if you're gonna judge, do look in the mirror first okay?

I have no other place to channel this anger of mine. I don't want to be mean but I gotta do what I gotta do. Being oblivious to feelings is alright because we're not psychics. But oblivious to the obvious? Really? *Bang head on the wall*

I'm highly disordered in every way.

I'm out of place.

I'm afraid.

And there's a saying, the most happiest persons are the troubled ones.

Numb but yet still feel the pain.

I just wanna break free from this misery.

To reconstruct every part of me.

Mind. Heart. Soul.

Going through a phase of isolation.

Hating those with raging disco sticks.

Can I maneuver it off your anatomy?

Cut it into pieces and let Issei Sagawa devour it?

Of course, I treasure my friends and will not do such mean things to them beloved.

"Everyday I fight a war against the mirror.

I can't take the person starin' back at me."

When the mind chose to speak.

2011-01-29T01:25:00.011+08:00

House of Fame.

Moments of Folly.

& what came out from my mouth was House of Folly Lolly.

I kept saying the wrong things with Gees just now.

It seems that my tongue and brain failed to coordinate.

What is wrong with me?

Dayung sampan became Gayung sampan.

In English, rowing boat became scooping boat. IKR!

I think that douchebag should hit me one more time.

Hey, who knows I'll injured my head again and then be sensible?

My life is a blockbluster anyway. BLOCK-BLUSTER!

(I meant to say Blockbuster but Blockbluster was what my mind spoke of)

Say it fast! Say it! Say it!

Tricky huh? Just like a good old tongue twister.

Bock Bock Block Block GOBLOK! *stick out tongue*

Never provoke a Taurean you pussy-man!

Men should learn to treat their girlfriends right.

We are not things to be in your possession.

Quit being an irritant with your obsessiveness as well as insecurities.

That goes to girls too. Men and Women are of no different.

What goes around comes around. KARMA!

If you don't have that trust, why be in a relationship?

If it's gonna be a marionette show, why do you even dare to speak of LOVE?

We are all flawed humans. Keep that in mind. Learn to compromise.

It's not easy but if that what love truly is, you ought to know.

Here is a "political" piece of mind to what I read.

I don’t care who you are
I don’t care how powerful you may be
You can rule the world
You can rule a country
You can manage a state

But you can’t rule religion.
That’s just BOGUS!

You have all the respect from your people
But when you are overpowering something beyond your limits,
your people will be terribly upset.

(I am a 19-year-old who is upset and these are my thoughts. I mean no harm.)

I can’t believe it’s coming from you.
What happened to democracy?
This is unjust.

Face it, you can’t control everything.
You’re not God.

Every religion has its own God.
Every religion has its ritual.
Every religion has its’ believes.

Go back to your roots.
Revisit history.
Fathom to why things are the way it is.

So here comes weekend.

"Hadaee mada tawila
Wa ana nahos ana wahala ghzalti

"This desert rose (Ya leigh Ya leigh)
Each of her veils, a secret promise
This desert flower (Ya leigh Ya leigh)
No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this"

Freaky Friday

2011-01-28T17:04:00.004+08:00

I told you! It's a DAMN BLOODY FRIDAY!

I fell asleep while listening to Nasyid and the alarm rang on my ear like freaking loud and I can't believe I didn't give a shit! DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF SUBCONSCIOUS MIND! I will not sleep with my earpiece plugged to my ear again!

Waking up at 8am is still okay coz I will still able to catch my 8.30am bus. Shit had to happen! My pimple burst and it kept bleeding. I think my blood is thin that it took a long time to clot. There's a red scar on my face! No clean-faced Nat for the moment. 15 minutes gone! So I was late to class. I have high tolerance for pain and pimple but not until it leaves a scar on my face.

All alone in class now, killing some time coz I don't feel like going home. I've done my RJ, quiz and evaluation so I can go home late tonight which is 30 minutes later, 11pm. HEH! Wouldn't want my mom to call me again and nag and nag and nag.

Meeting Gees at 7pm and I'm just gonna release the tension. Answer my questions okay? Pretty pleaaasseeeee. *make puss in boots sad face* I love my Gees! We're turning 5? 2006? Yeaa...

I was kinda Malay-ish yesterday. Chatted with Azizul and I wanted to say sederhana (average). Instead, I typed sementara (temporary). WTH?! It varies on a HUUUGGEEE degree maannn! If I'm gonna retake Malay 'O' Level, I think I'm gonna fail. From A to C to F. Nice work Nat. *knock self on the head with a hammer*

So I came up with this while listening to Nasyids.

Kepada mu aku kembali

kembali mencari yang hakiki

kembali mencari ketenangan

kembali mencari kedamaian

Apabila hidup tidak bermakna

hanya engkau sahaja yang mampu mengizinkan

hanya engkau yang mampu menentukan

meyempurnakan jiwa yang kosong ini

Di dalam kegelapan

Aku tertanya-tanya

mencari sinaran cahaya

kian memberi ku harapan

Bagaikan kain kafan

putih suci, lelah hati ini

Kini ku kembali

pinta dibimbingi, dilindungi, diselimuti cinta mu.

It's been so long since I write a poem or sajak or anything in Malay.

I think that's one reason to why my Malay language suck big time Sec 3 onwards.

I should get going now. The security guard is chasing me out of the class. It's only 5.30 pm damn it! I'm enjoying this peace and my time alone. Nyeeehhhh...

Hang with me.

A little less, a little much better.

2011-01-27T18:49:00.003+08:00

Imma brand new me?

Read the Qur'an after my prayers and I feel at ease, at peace and happy.

Supposed to meet Nina and Fae today. A last minute plan. I wanted to but upon shower, I just don't feel too good. Then I remembered I had to do some school survey. Otherwise, my LEO will be suspended and I won't be graded. Sucks huh RP? I'm gonna miss that Institution. 2 weeks of school to go. 3 weeks to exams.

And as I lift my hands to say my prayers, I let all my emotions run down my cheeks. All the Doa that I wasn't sure or know the meaning, it's all in my head and I just read it out. Thank you parents for always reading it during our Jemaah. I'm glad it's stuck in my head.

I wanna start back from scratch. I wanna go back to religious classes to recite Qur'an. Or maybe just get my dad to sit down and hear me recite it and correct me. I have Qatam once but I still don't know how to recite it with correct Taj'wid. Now where did my dad put that CD? hmmmm...

Mencari yang hakiki

May my prayers be answered.

Amin.

Turmoil

2011-01-26T18:07:00.006+08:00

I'm finally recovering. My appetite is back and I'm coping rather well.

It's boring to stay at home and rest my phucked up body and mind but I guess I need that. I think I'm gonna head to the library tomorrow to spend an alone time reading or maybe just do my revision.

& I think I've come to a decision. I'm gonna apply for MDIS instead of PSB Academy. I really hope everything will go smoothly. I think I know the reason to why I took the antidepressants suddenly. The thoughts of my screwed up GPA in Year 2 due to great depression having my dreams and ambition crushed after years of hard work and fulfilling plans. I still can't get over that situation. His image was a trigger.

Choked. Shuddered. Tormented. Angered. Suffocated.

Nevertheless, I'm gonna continue fighting and pray that I will get a spot in MDIS to pursue further education towards my ambition. Granted God's blessings, I will not give up living this life no matter how miserable I will be. Full time Bachelor Degree with Honours.

Been following IslamicThinking on Twitter. The tweets are my cure now, my guidance. Spent my night watching Nur Kasih online and somehow I miss reading the Al-Qur'an. I miss going to Madrasah coz it's always been a place for me to recollect myself, studying the history of Islam and keep my mind and heart clean. Gotta keep myself nearer to God.

We can have all the things we ever want

But we may not get it all the time

When there's an empty feel inside,

Discontentment rushes through,

What is it that we really need?

"There can be no light without darkness,

no good without evil,

no triumph without setbacks."

-Darren Shan-

Misery

2011-01-24T22:27:00.004+08:00

I need a new antidepressant.

I think I'm going insane.

At this very moment, I wish I have a chainsaw to cut off my head

and remove my GI tract from my body.

Discomfort all over.

I fed myself today but why is this happening to me?!

Got my mom worried.

Got my friends worried for my tweets.

I'm sorry...

Utterly miserable.

Can I go into a coma?

(At least it's better than wishing for death.) :'(

Am I losing my mind?

2011-01-24T11:46:00.003+08:00

Is it me or is my new jeans getting loose?

I'm cold and I feel utterly weak.

I've never been so high or went stoning for 24 hours simultaneously.

I don't need to drink to be drunk.

I don't need to be drunk to have hangover.

I think that's what the feeling is?

Appetite is down again but I seriously need some bites. Can I get a KFC Roller?

I want to go home and lie down right now.

"My hands are cold my body's numb

I'm still in shock what have you done?

My head is pounding, my vision's blur"

- The Script -

(Exactly what I'm feeling right now)

Afraid

2011-01-23T14:46:00.004+08:00

Choking on the words I'm reading.

Searching for my strengths, I went back to the not-so-painful memo.
Yet, I couldn't take it. I'm on fire!

I know that I'm not ready to go way back to 2009.

Even the littlest image of that year got me agitated.

I do know that I have to revisit that history, also told by the psychologist.

But I can't do it alone.

I've got to be stronger than this.

No more facades, no more "I'm fine" but I'm not.

I'm afraid.

Thank you Nina & Fae for saving my Sunday.

I need to talk to someone badly before I do anything stupid.

HI! I'm Patrick Star! uhhhh....... blur face

2011-01-23T09:57:00.005+08:00

For the longest time, I've never woke up so early on a Sunday morning and not go back to sleep. I seriously regret taking the meds coz I'm like having an after effect right now. I feel woozy and I'm nauseating again.

I should have reminded myself why I stopped taking it in the first place!

Side effects of Fluvoxamine Maleate

gastrointestinal complaints - CHECK!
nausea (sometimes accompanied by vomiting) - CHECK!
constipation
anorexia
diarrhea and dyspepsia
CNS complaints including somnolence
dry mouth - CHECK!
nervousness - CHECK!
insomnia - CHECK!
dizziness - CHECK!
tremor and agitation - CHECK!
asthenia - CHECK!

The side effects are driving me crazy. & I did kinda overdosed myself yesterday.

The last thing I want is to have insomnia to kick in again....

I'm yawning but I'm not sleepy. What is this?!

Antidepressants making me more depressed instead of keeping me calm.

Can you break my fall?

2011-01-22T23:52:00.003+08:00

Word of the day:

"OM NOM NOM NOM"

When it's with the BeeGees, it's always a hellova laughter. I laughed till I teared and want to pee. Fae's sister is so cute! Played catching, hide and seek and crocodile with her. I really miss my childhood. Apparently, the turning 20s clique are her friends.

We sang, we write and rekindle our childhood plays at the void deck.

"Mufasa. Mufasa. Mufasa Mufasa Mufasa."

As Fae was strumming her guitar, Nina and I wrote our drafts.

Break my fall, can you break my fall?

You could be heaven

You could be hell

Can you break my fall?

That's the chorus.

For the longest time, I've never felt so calm. I've never smiled so much. I've never felt how I feel right now. I'm lost for words to describe this feeling.

& while we were having the most random talks, it led us to a serious topic which somehow linked to that douchebag. I admit, I was at the verge of tears due to the traumatizing memory but I'm glad Nina and Fae add some joke into it. I was fine though I was still feeling fcked up.

They hate him, I hate him. WE HATE HIM!

I have never hated anyone in my life. NEVER.

I'm still hurt and I just can't help but to break down right now.

I'm hanging on a thread of residual pain.

Suicidal thoughts are hovering in my mind.

I'm back at the episode of trauma.

I think I'm gonna get myself overdosed with those pills.

I'm miserable.

Suddenly, something just don't feel right. Why?

Not myself today.

2011-01-21T18:04:00.006+08:00

Bokusatsu Tenshi Dokura-Chan is my late night addiction now.

I've been laughing myself to sleep watching it on my dad's smart phone which is now mine since all my phones gave up on me. *Pipiru piru piru pipiru pi* (Sing theme song) She's so cute but annoying. She reminds me of ME! Hahahaha. At least I'm not as irritating as her. She's beyond words to describe.

So as I was doing my reading, Card Captor Sakura theme song was playing in my head. I didn't even realise I was stoning! So basically, the words were a mere reflection on my eyes. I didn't even pay attention in class. It was mind-exhausting. There was just sooooo much to read on. I read what I have to read and played with the application instead.

TAAA DAAAAA!

DNA structure.

I had too much free time to change the colours, the 3D structure and ribbon it.

From Card Captor Sakura to K-On to Bokusatsu Tenshi to The Strokes to The Script.

Nothing went into my head today. Okayy... not really nothing. I did comprehend what was taught today. It's just that my mind kept drifting away, sleeping with my eyes open.

& so today's RJ is *clears throat*

"If you want to select a friend between DNA and Protein, who will be your choice and why?"

WHAT A WHAT?!

I would select a thinking brain to be my friend because it always thinks and is not dumb like a bugger.

I'm gonna write whatever I can recall on my choice and out I go to meet them beegees. First up, Cash Converter to sell that douchebag's stuff.

D.I.F - Damn It's Friday!

Pissed at Men Syndrome

2011-01-19T00:57:00.007+08:00

After 1 and a half month, I finally went back to Guardian. I wanted to feel how I felt when I worked there for the first four months. It's just not the same anymore. I think it's pretty clear that it's not where I wanna be. I'll give myself 2 weeks to hang around there. Thereafter, chiong for my final exam and get a new job at a hospital? Probably Raffles Medical Hospital, a place I've always wanted to enter. I love hospital environment because it's just sooo peaceful. Also, I'm gonna go all out doing camps, go for overseas camp if there's gonna be any. Sentosa, if they're not gonna call me for the next arranged training, I'm not gonna wait and hope for something impossible.

I'm not blind but I pretend to be whenever you guys are at the void deck.
I'm not deaf despite having my earpiece plug to my ears.

I can hear yall shouting my name damn it!
It's 12 midnight. Calm your tits dudes!

I don't like my name to be called out that freaking loud in the middle of night.

"Aku pekik mcm nk mati sia tadi" - Ameerul

Translation: "I shout like want to die sia just now"

Another idiot who don't like his name. Want people to call him Amalu instead. *roll eyes* Bottom line is you didn't die so don't exaggerate.

"I guess you had your earpiece on your ear"

OH GAAWWWWDDD...

& seriously, why do I seem to attract weird guys?! WHY?!

Spam my wall, spam my inbox, I won't entertain you people. I just don't bother.

Quit giving me bullshit and be a man! I think I have more balls than men?

I just don't understand. What do they want from me?!

Guys nowadays just seem so desperate and fake.

You are welcome to make a fool of yourself publicly. Sorry if I'm being a bitch but I don't want people to think wrongly or read too deep into some things. Coz some people do, even the littlest attention that they get. KKS, I will say. In Malay it stands for Kurang Kasih Sayang. In English, Lack Of Love, which is another term for LOL.

You don't need to try so hard to win a person's heart or attention. Just be yourself and fck it! If they like you, they will like you. If they don't respond, then take a hint. Life is simple. Don't complicate it.

So here I go again,

I guess some people are just oblivious to ignorance.

A person can just be that dumb.

A GUY can just be that dumb.

Show me that you have a semblance of some thinking.

Consideration of feelings.

A rare personality that makes me feel brand new.

You make me smile while the other guys make me wanna slap their brain with a horseshoe.

I wanna live my life like Barney Stinson for he never fail to remind himself that,

"I AM AWESOME".

Dimanche

2011-01-17T17:55:00.005+08:00

I've been having stomach problems since last week and I had to defecate yesterday, having blood on my stools. What a “nice” timing. Nevertheless, it did not stop me from having an enjoyable Dimanche.

Astons, L4D2, Awfully Chocolate and East Coast Park.

It was a nice experience. Most of the places visited are new to me. I did have fun even though there were awkward and silent moments. It wasn't really a planned out thing, to my knowledge at least. Spontaneously, everything seemed to fall into place. Now, that’s what I call an anything goes hangout. AWESOME!

I think I made a fool of myself? A LOT! Hahaha! Screaming like a mad woman playing L4D2 and being so confident about Flying Fantasy. Flying?! Its Final damn it! Apparently I’m suffering from typoitis and speech problem. *ehek..ehek..*

Astons was delicious. Awfully Chocolate was awfully yummy yum yum! Thanks for the treat Ahfad. I feel so paiseh but thank you so much. Really appreciate it. HEEEE!

If only there weren’t cockroaches crawling around the waterbreaker or breakwaters (whatever you call it), I would have succumbed to the temptation of lying down on my back to watch the sky, closing my eyes and drift away to the sound of the sea. It was a beautiful cooling Sunday night. Peaceful.

At the end of the day, I’ve never felt so tired. Seriously. Five minutes after I stepped into the cab, I was down with migraine. GOSH! What luck! Apologies for going silent then, I guess you were tired too. We didn't even have a proper goodbye. It felt so awkward to just walk out like that. *Creek. Creek.* Still, it was an awesome hangout! xD Nice meeting you.

& for the whole day in school, I felt freaking lethargic and just so weak. I kept falling asleep while typing this down man. There must be something wrong with my body. Gotta get it checked ASAP. Hopefully it has no relation to my rectum.

"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the MOON"

Eagles farewell

2011-01-15T19:40:00.005+08:00

EAGLES FAREWELL LIVE playing on Star World.

They're gonna retire? There goes another good classic rock music. Can I say they're leaving behind a Legacy? LEGENDARY. All of them can sing and they share the limelight. Aweeee... We hardly see that nowadays, do we?

I grew up listening to Eagles thanks to my dad. He passed it on to my youngest brother who never stop strumming his guitar to Eagles' songs. And as the songs play, I was moved. I am literally having my "spa" here on the sofa. What a nice Rainy Lazy Saturday.

It's like a theater here! I can feel the drum beating. Let's just use this moment to appreciate GREAT music.

'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'

Yes! I adamantly agree with you Eagles!

I like how old timers write their lyrics. Loads of metaphor used.

The way they sing too! They enunciate and I feel them in my bones. The connectivity is there.

& it's now over.

My dad, "ehhh dah habes? Beli CD ahh.."

Translation: "ehhh finish already? Let's buy the CD."

Me: "Star World will have a repeat telecast. Search the schedule."

Yes, my dad, the musician, the soccer coach, the martial art instructor, the engineer, the-almost-everything, is a die hard fan of The Eagles.

Now I'm back to the good-for-nothing Saturday Night.

Bee Gees went to Zirca. They wanted me to tag along but I'm not ready to break my clubbing virginity. I'm just afraid.

Tomorrow tomorrow.

Dimanche.

*speechless* (in a good way)

Vous

2011-01-15T00:35:00.005+08:00

Emotional wreck.

Distressed.

High.

That cat at the void deck that bit Mo's cheek! Got us all on awwwweeeee.....

"I'll take my boots and slap my face!"

With confidence, even the wrong words sound right. That applies to those who don't pay attention to details. Of course, Bee Gees, we just had to put it on repeat coz that's what we do. Confidence is the key so I wish you all the best!

Apparently, I don't even need to wait till I turn 21 to travel on my own.

My mom is AWESOME! However, I have to work for it first. It's all about the MONEEEHHH~

Je suis impatient de voir que vous.

A bientot!

Shadows

2011-01-14T05:14:00.005+08:00

Head's in throbbing pain.

I'm nauseating.

Chest pain's coming back.

Stomach discomfort.

& I freaking don't understand what the fck is wrong with my body.

Took my meds but I still can't get myself to sleep.

Don't want to overdose myself or else that would affect my attendance later.

& it all started with the bulging thingy at the lower back of my head.

I don't remember having any physical injury inflicted recently.

It got better but the pain spread to the other parts of my head.

This is absolutely worrying.

I hate this and right now, I feel seriously fcked up.

Flashbacks kept appearing whenever I close my eyes.

Hair pulling and head banging.

I need to talk to somebody right now.

BADLY...

Adolescence

2011-01-13T20:45:00.004+08:00

Imma Happy and near-satisfied Nat today!

So while I was waiting for the bus towards Bugis, reading the bus map, there was an old man who was sitting by the side, moving his lips. I presumed he was talking to someone. My mp3 was blasting thru my ears so I hear no shit until I caught him talking to me. Hence, I took my earpiece off my ears and asked what was that he was telling me.

"Are you not Singaporean?"

I rest my case! I'm shooting myself dead. Com'on! I don't look I'm from China right?! I'M FREAKING LOCAL!

"Support ____sm party. Don't support people's action party"

He kept saying that over and over again. Telling me to elect no-idea-what-party. Sounds like opportism party? I don't think that's even in the dictionary but that what was it sound like.

I told him I'm not 21. Thus, he told me to tell my adult friends to vote for that "opportism" party.

So I turned with a WTF face. An Indian man saw my face and he gave me the "Yea.. beats me" look. SERIOUSLY?!

Wouldn't you feel strange? I mean everyone have their own perspective on things. Let them choose who or what they want to choose. Who make you king old man?!

So he took the same bus as me. It didn't stop there! When I alight, I saw him talking to another stranger about it. I could hear the "opportism". Really... He was sitting near the exit door anw.

Whatever to that.

I spent my evening with Hudha at Levi's and Parkview Square! I traded in my old jeans 3 weeks ago and received a $50 voucher. I decided on 4 tees. Apparently, one of it don't have size S anymore. I was left with 3 then. I love all of them but only have enough for 2. So upon paying, the cashier informed me about 30% off for all tops while I was rummaging my bag for my vouchers. Then it hit me, I did my calculation and they helped me sort out the bills and stuff. So instead of getting 2, I got all 3! No, I ain't a shoppaholic. It was my second time putting my money and trust on Levis's and it's all worth it. So comfortable to wear!!! Thanks to the Fashion talented, Hudha, who helped me to decide on the clothes. ^^

We walked to Iluma, she used me as her model and did her stuff. It's like she's giving me a makeover! That's what people love to do, give me a makeover. Even my dad wants to see me dress up like my sister. I'm not into high-end fashion please. Casual is fine with me. Jeans and tees. FULLSTOP!

For the first time, my sister actually like my top which I wore on my performance. She's lucky, it's free size and can fit her. She can't even put on my jeans! hah! *Whispers: She don't want to look fat* So I have a task now, to find that type of clothes for her.

Parkview Square was amazing! I was astonished! There were statues of Lincoln, Sun Yat Sen, Plato and many many more. It's like a historical place. AAAHHHH! I want to go there again! It's so peaceful and windy. SUPER AWESOME! 10/10!

I find myself to have issues with a lot of things. A LOT! Hudha was just laughing her ass off when I complain about a woman who had a tattoo on her chest and went all scientific on it relating to the possibility of breast cancer or just making fun of someone with a pretty face but when she speaks, it went like, "chal and kit". REALLY! TURN OFF!

Today was that day, I finally get everything off my chest.

"Piru piru pipiru piru pi"